artifacts

Like a Virgin

2006-09-24T20:06:00.001-04:00

Dancing FOOLS at Vfest

Virgin Music Fest
Shiny and New

The Virgin Music Festival made it’s first non U.K. stop in Toronto on September 9th and 10th and my photographer in residence and I attended day two. What follows is a lazy recollection of the day.

One magical thing that (Sir) Richard Branson brought to my life is a new appreciation of “The Island”, Toronto’s weird picnic island that is usually a setting for corporate picnics alongside reenactments of Hitchcock’s “The Birds”. It seemed to me that Branson, like a goodly gentleman, banished all the vicious seagulls and yucky pigeons for the duration, making it possible for me to relax and enjoy myself. Local people, this is a great festival venue, but of course, do continue to avoid at all other times.

Bums on the ferry - Limits?

Sans birds, the island is a great venue for a festival. Once we arrived at the ferry docs and accepted that our travelers of gin-n’-tonics (Britney’s fave) were not going to be allowed to accompany us over to the island, we started having the best kind of fun. Make fun of other people fun.

A disturbing number of “cool parents” decided to bring their toddlers over to the music fest. While I thought it was semi-admirable that some people would continue in their lifestyle post – baby, I thought it remiss that none of the kids had on ear protection, and Dave noted that they were rolling around in seagull shit (which is everywhere). Also the dads had a wistful look when they saw the unencumbered beer drinkers, which made me a little sad.

You have to give a certain credit to people willing to create and carry around a silly sign all day

Ever the gentleman, Branson positioned both beer tents with a good view and earshot of the two stages. This raises him to notch 8.5 in my book, out of a possible 10. From the second stage we watched Jose Gonzales perform, who is lovely. I heard of him through a Sony Previa ad but in spite of this, the world needs him. The Virgin marketing information which describes Gonzales as someone who performs “in perfect English” (!!) takes the score down to 6. It would be less if not for the beer tents.

We watched Knaan perform from the same beer tent; it was a good, if understandably “ANGRY” set. His set was scheduled close to the popular Sam Roberts and had only a small turnout for what I learned was his first Canadian date. These festivals always have trouble with bringing different audiences together, I find.

En route to the main beer tent, we had the strange Bransonian experience of looking at a tent of new cars being advertised. From there we stumbled onto an outdoor exhibit of African sculpture which was really wonderful, and met the artist, who informed me that the lions -“ a piece of Africa” could be mine for only $1500 each. So how do you score the confusion of art and car advertising? Dave, who clearly will never understand if I do start bringing home $1500 lions, informed me with glee that he got them for free via his camera.

We got lost (I tell you it’s a crazy place) and found Kidsville. The (only) upside of Kidsville was that we found good, large, lineup free washrooms. Eventually we found the main stage and saw Sam Roberts from the comfort of the large main beer tent. Imagine our dismay when we found our emotional limit – the only beer left was blue light or something. Ok, I’ll pay $5.50 for a can of beer today. But LIGHT beer? The only consolation was to know that my old time “stealing”/ smuggling instinct had kicked in. A couple of trips and we watched the rest of the acts with our smuggled beer in front of the stage, as it should be.

I expected The Strokes to be lazy, I don’t know why; maybe it’s their hair. In fact, they put on a great, long show that was really enjoyable. They played as dusk was falling (hence the smuggling) and it was a great moment.

Both pictures above: The Strokes in performance.

Next came The Raconteurs, and as long time White Stripes fans it was very exciting to see Jack White. Such was the enjoyment of beer and other contraband that Dave called him Jack Black a few times. You can understand. The band was really good, although I only know two songs, they were doing something very loose and free form- sounding and it was great, we could have watched for hours.

In Bransonian Virgin Mobile world domination news, the video screens had a scroll with live drunken messages submitted by people in the crowd. Because nothing says rock and roll like texting “Jack White U R SO HOT!” into your VMobile. Like a moth I was drawn to the scroll however, and noted the first best line of the night “ Mullet Man was just taken away in handcuffs!” (Mullet Man was a guy in an ironic mullet wig who was as wasted as I have ever seen anyone at 5:00 in the sun).

Massive Attack had cancelled and replacements Broken Social Scene closed out the show. It seemed the crowd was much happier to be seeing the replacement act. (Except the ladies who we met who were expecting something like Led Zeppelin.) I know we probably missed something good here but some paranoia kicked in about being in horrible end of show ferry crowds and so we beat a hasty exit. For some reason GM Canada gave out guitar picks on the way out, and there were also AXE man stink products distributed. Highlight of the night: Someone on the crowded ferry stating “ It stinks of AXE in here!”.

Photo/ Video credits: Dave MacIntyre

Classic Bad Album Art

2006-09-20T08:49:00.000-04:00

When I started this blog, I had a semi - regular feature about bad album art which was a lot of fun and pretty well recieved. The whole subject speaks to my love of focusing on irrelevant minutae and beating it to death. Lately I have been enjoying a great bad album cover art feature by Will and Ben's Record Room, who have found some real gems. Imagine my surprise when I found a perfect, classically bad specimen right under our collective noses. It's driving me crazy every time I ride the subway or go anywhere in public, really.

The twist here is we know that unlike many classicly bad albums, this was not done by someone's brother with circa 1982 graphics or, presumably, under the influence of cocaine (which is how I explain most of the media produced in the late 70's - early 80's to myself.) This was selected by a team of experts and produced with a very healthy budget. The only justification for this album cover I can fathom is that it's blatant cheese and obliviousness is a coded reach out message to Justy's first love, Britney.

While it reassures me slightly to see that a close look reveals JT is crushing a disco ball and not a beach ball as it appears from 10 feet away, JT should be advised that from 10 feet away, it looks like he is putting his foot into a soft, vinyl ball, like a petulant 4 year old, and that said ball seems to be causing an embarrassing and cheap-looking bend in his shoe.

Ironically, these are probably very expensive and maybe even Italian made shoes. If this ad were a coded message to Britney, however, the shoes' apparent flimsiness (Walmart?) might say, "Remember, Y'all, I'm country too!"

Now look up, way up. Does a street thug or even a white boy who is literally kicking the stuffing out of his disco (???) image achieve his point if he complements this rather limp ankled violence with the White Man's Overbite?

And while we're at it, why does his album title make me sad? Oh yeah, it's because it's a tacky Outkast (Speakerboxx / The Love Below) rip off. It's tacky for many reasons - not the least of which because Outkast is two artists making two statements. It just looks silly for one white boy to use a slash in his album title. Even though he is slashing through his old image and bringing Sexy Back and all.

Speaking of Sexy Back, who does Adam Levine, or more commonly known as one of Jessica's Public Affairs / That Snot out of Maroon Five, think he is with this quote?
(Re: His band's new album) "This album is sexier and stronger. We're taking sexy back!"

Looks like Justin is going to have to put on his shitkickers and kick some Maroon ass, maybe with the help of Timbaland.

Artifacts previous classic bad album art: Rap O Clap O, Rat On, and more..

Levine photo credit and quote : Entertainment Weekly

Steal This Quote, Liars

2006-09-18T14:23:00.000-04:00

I am in love with this man's brain:

"Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything."

"Anyone who claims to be good at lying is obviously bad at lying. Thus - as a writer myself - I cannot comment on whether or not writers are exceptionally good liars, because whatever I said would actually mean its complete opposite. "

- Chuck Klosterman

Social Essayist, Music Writer, and hilarious big brain

This is a good time to update my reading list for you bookworms:

The Sundance Kids - How the Mavericks took back Hollywood by James Mottram
It reads a little like a college thesis on Steven Sodobergh, and I think it may have started out as such. But once it gets going it's a good analysis of the recent wave of "Indie" filmmakers, including many of my favorites: Wes Anderson, Sofia Coppola, Alexander Payne, and many others.

Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
Required reading for my Literature course, however a very highly recommended read. Regarded as the first African novel, Achebe's story combines the African oral tradition with the English narrative form, and it's a graceful and simply told story which hits you in the gut at the climax.

Until I Find You - John Irving
Though I like Irving, sad to say this was the first book in a really, really long time that I hated. I forced myself to finish all 7 or 800 pages but never changed my opinion. The protagonist is unlikable, the fake hollywood references are annoying to film fans (tones of Danielle Steele), and the storyline involving a boy who gets violated by women in one way or another since age 4 is dreary. The story of a tatoo artist mother and absent father who is obsessed with becoming a "full body" tattoo wearer should have been more compelling than it is.

Chuck Klosterman IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas
Klosterman's latest is not to be missed, for no - holds- barred first hand accounts of interactions and interviews with Bono, Val Kilmer, Britney Spears, and more, along with cultural essays.
Actually improves the quality of your life.

Read my full 2006 reading list here:
http://artifactsmodern.blogspot.com/2006/07/my-reading-list-updated.html

Almost Famous

2006-09-18T14:19:00.000-04:00

Kate Hudson as Penny Lane in Almost Famous

I thought I was done with the Rockstar: Supernova story, and frankly I was glad to be rid of it. If the story you were watching was the same as mine, it was “Small town- even better – Canadian boy beats huge odds to “make it big” as front man of rock group, in which case the story is complete. (Note to readers: I promise!)

But there is a footnote to the story which is interesting in a larger context: whether this or other competitions on T.V. are your thing or not – there is the age-old story of who stars step on to get to the top. (Or wherever a reality show may take us- the top 100?)

A TMZ video is currently circulating of Rock Star: Supernova winner Lukas Rossi’s “girlfriend” being shut out of the show’s after party. I believe she is telling the truth when she claims ownership of Lukas’s affections for the past 7 years. I also know, in the way I casually collect other useless knowledge, that she has carved out some recognition for herself among the fan base of the show and among Lukas’s fans, the only reason I know of her existence. Francesca is not famous except as who she willed herself to be: occasionally in the front row of the T.V. performances, a presence on show message boards, and the territorial piss that is her my space page, where she describes herself as in a relationship and features pictures of herself and Lukas making out, while describing herself both as a “friend” in my space parlance, and a fan of his, Tommy Lee’s etc. Looks like she may have to settle for being the latter.

I don’t know this woman, nor do I think I would want to. No one I know would humiliate themselves by standing outside an L.A. club for what seems to be hours, bitching and begging to be let in. At one point, Rossi is shown talking to her after which she is still not let in, and she reports that Rossi blames his handlers (HAH!)This does not deter her. (Oh, the Canadian determination when illplaced is a tragedy.) She appears old enough to see the writing on the wall. While its unfortunate that someone should have her first heartbreak made so public, she courted the attention and spun it into a really sad 15 minutes.

From the critic’s armchair where I sit, Luke was never going to look back if he made it. It’s unknown what promises if any were made. If he misled someone who loved him, he should review his cast mate’s butchering of Karma Police as punishment. Apparently his life here was not great, so who could blame him for cutting ties with the past? But it seems certain that Luke needed his long time girlfriend along the way, right up until last week, and would need her still if he returned home without the prize. She was needed until she was no longer needed, and then she was discarded.

Rock and Roll, baby.

Wrong sauce

2006-09-13T22:36:00.000-04:00

Rock Star Supernova, the summer reality show / Rock singer search which featured Toronto's own Lukas Rossi and whose finalists included Rossi along with Toby Rand from Australia, Dilana (one name) from Texas (by way of South Africa), and Magni from Iceland, reached it's anticlimactic finale tonight, selecting Lukas Rossi as the winner and Supernova frontman, who was largely favored to win in my household and elsewhere. It will be interesting to see how far this band goes and if they can sustain whatever momentum was created over the summer, which judging by the mass media coverage was not that major. Something is either a televised competition of a worthy product or a reality show, forgotten as soon as the next crop of victims enters a mansion. Watching something on T.V., for free, is quite different from paying to see it publicly. After all those hours of advertising, I am not a fan of Supernova's music. They are overexposed before they even have a video. Simply put, they need Lukas's songwriting, youth and lifeblood, and they need it bad.

Lukas Rossi seemed to really want to win, and played the reality game (along with strong performances) to perfection, a stand out with humourous comments and unafraid to speak his mind throughout the series. Rossi matured from someone who threw too many tired hip hop expressions out to hide his white Canadian-ness into a performer who was professional, driven, and cool under pressure. While his chief competitor Dilana seemed to crack from the pressure of being on top, Rossi found the soft center of the competition and carved out his own niche and fan base. I usually reject Olympics style - 'root for your country because it's your country' jingoism, but there does seem to be something particularly driven and exciting when someone from Canada (like the other remote places the finalists hailed from) gets a chance on the world entertainment stage.

In closing, here is a sampler of the "UNIQUE" Tommy Lee's critiques from the series, I still don't understand a word he said but I am glad his pants never fell down in his enthusiasm, because they were worn as low as they could go before going where no 8:00 show should ever go. He also licked his lips approximately 4 million times.

" You're raising the bar.....and I am pulling up a barstool."

"Dilana.......I WANNA!"

"He's a showboat.....so show me some boat."

"I thought that was sauteed in wrong sauce."

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Coming tomorrow: The long overdue Artifacts Celebrity Hair Terror Alert update!

The new Paris Hilton CD is awesome!

2006-09-09T20:50:00.000-04:00

The version hijacked by Banksy, of course!

London graffiti / stencil artist Banksy, who has shared his unique views about art, commerce, the police, politics, war, and and culture with the public using public spaces around London for several years, (and who has recently gained insider status with designs for Blur's cd cover art and several art shows) - is basically the most exciting artist I have heard of in a long time. Banks has now also won my heart for life for his latest artistic statement. Apparently 500 copies of Paris Hilton's cd were planted and purchased in HMV and other record stores in London retitled "Why Am I Famous?" which contained cd and insert art doctored by Banksy, and an album remixed by Danger Mouse. HMV apparently likes the idea since they reportedly had only 7 returns and subsequently planned to auction them. I am sure the other 493 customers are more than happy with the now (accidentally) artistic and valuable collector's item they scored. I want one!

Here are pictures of the cd insert art by Banksy.

While this may explain one reason why Paris is famous, I can't help you with Lindsay Lohan, Dad. The younger they are, the less good they do, the more spoiled (by both definitions of the term) they are, the more famous.....In case of retinal burning caused by many pictures of Princess Wonk-eye, here is an an example of Banksy's art featuring a more attractive subject.

Steal This Quote

2006-09-06T19:17:00.000-04:00

"When I started going to wars, I had no clear goal in mind.
There was no path that promised me success or job security.
But I was listening really to myself and followed my passion, and I'm more convinced than ever, that if you do that, you will be successful. I'm not talking about rich - perhaps you will be - but you will be fulfilled, and that's the greatest success you can have." - Anderson Cooper

For Steph

Bits and Pieces

2006-09-06T18:51:00.000-04:00

Former Much Music VJ Sook-Yin Lee stars in Shortbus

Just realized it's Wednesday and regular readers must think that I am so deeply entrenched in Radiodread that I went into another time and space. I sort of did. But seeing Little Miss Sunshine again, while just as funny and recommendable a second time, is not really newsworthy, nor is vacationing with Season 3 of Arrested Development on DVD.

After finishing a summer job contract, I have a few days before I resume classes at University of Toronto and this means one thing: Movie time. Oh, and time with friends, pets, and family.

I will have film news in the upcoming week as I have secured, through efforts that reinforce my dream in life to have a personal assistant, tickets to 3 films at the Toronto International Film Festival. These include a few really interesting documentaries which I will write about soon. Right now the talk with John Waters and my beloved John Cameron Mitchell (Hedwig and the Angry Inch) as well as tickets to my beloved's (Mitchell again) film "Shortbus" premiere elude me, but we'll see if the "rush ticket" (last minute ticket) dream is as alive as my dear friend and fest veteran / "alumni" / Seeing Eye Bitch - Darlene, in her sweet encouragement, would have me believe. Oh and by the way local people, they only take cash, debit, or VISA. Something apparently widely known to everyone in Toronto but me. Creditcard bias is the new -ism of our time, or what I call TIFF snobbery gearing up. Must be time for rubbernecking at Bistro 990.

In Suri news, Diana Prince has the first pics I have seen of the new Vanity Fair cover featuring team Cruise. She's cute and looks about 10 months old, and, as expected,looks like Katie but nothing like Tommy. What do you think? I mean, besides not caring. Isn't it amazing what money, robotics, CGI and photoshop can do these days?

Is this yet another LOST publicity gimmick? Can someone check out the roads in Hawaii? I don't remember Magnum and co. having this much trouble.

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BBC.COM

Actor Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, best known for his role in the hit TV show Lost, has been arrested in Hawaii for a traffic violation. The 39-year-old British star, who plays Mr Eko in the drama, was stopped by police for disobeying a police officer and driving without a licence. He was released on $500 (£264) bail after spending little more than six hours in jail, police said. He will now appear in a district court on 26 September.

Mr Akinnuoye-Agbaje is the third member of the Lost cast to be arrested for a traffic offence in Hawaii, where the show is filmed. Co-stars Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros were arrested within minutes of each other last December on suspicion of driving while under the influence of alcohol.

Both pleaded guilty and Watros had her license suspended for 90 days together with a $312 (£165) fine. She was also ordered to undergo alcohol assessment and counselling.

Rodriguez, who had a previous drunken-driving conviction in Los Angeles and two speeding tickets in Honolulu, was sentenced to five days in jail.
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This guy was on OZ on HBO, so I don't really want to mess with him. Shit was scary! Good luck to you sir. I too lack a driver's licence. Maybe we both just need a personal assistant / driver?

Music from the future

2006-09-02T11:32:00.000-04:00

Music Review:
Easy Star All -Stars
Radiodread
2006

I usually defer to those more experienced music - based writers for music commentary and reviews, being much more at home in realms of film commentary, freaks of nature and or celebrity. However, a recent discovery leaves me wanting to share this mind-blowing music.

Radiohead's modern classic OK Computer (1997) has been re-interpreted (song-by-song) by the Easy Star All-Stars, who previously took on Pink Floyd's classic Dark Side of the Moon. Music connoisseurs may detect a high - concept gimmick such as the momentary flash of Apocolyptica's cello revamp of Metallica, which I actually purchased and later sold for $4 on Ebay, but to my ears which follow heart, not mind, this is stunning and exciting music.

It reads like a horrible mess, but sounds like perfection. Radiohead's haunting melodies translate seamlessly to the layered sadness found in roots reggae. Supported by Toots & the Maytals, (a favorite of mine), along with Frankie Paul and Horace Andy, this is music for the future. Entertainment Weekly describes it as "the kind of bold refashioning that makes Radiodread feel less like a covers album than some long-lost roots-reggae gem". I'm no expert but I know and love Radiohead and this album does what seemed impossible - offer a fitting tribute while grounding the concept album in something warm and more hopeful.

(Lucky: Easy Star All - Stars)
It has been said that the best track on the album is, appropriately, Let Down with vocals by Toots Hibbard (Toots & the Maytals). After a short search, I have confirmed this rumour. It is so good that it has been instantly accepted alongside a song I would set on my precious artifacts shelf behind glass. Too good to sample or steal, do as I am doing and actually buy this album.

A day late and a dollar short

2006-08-29T13:36:00.000-04:00

All the Emmy award coverage that you need, maybe even more than you need:

For Aly and co. (1) Dr McDreamy aka Patrick Dempsey, clearly enjoying some rugged good looks and post Can't Buy Me Love 80's era career resurgence.

And (2) Wentworth Miller, in a suit at another point than the Emmys (the fan pages are unbearable to search)

As Artifacts readers may recall, WE TALKED ABOUT NUDE PALE NOTHING DRESSES AT THE OSCARS. Still not a way to get any more recognized than, say, the batty chick who plays Malcolm's mother.

Hoochie momma 101: A primer- Too much boob, too tight in both the right (waist) and wrong (hips) places, take as much embellisment as seems prudent and then multiply it by 4.

"New Face?" Barry Manilow. Who knew he had such a firm grip?

The hottest moment of any awards show this year: The angels reunite!

Jaclyn Smith is still a beauty. No comment on Farrah, who is beyond corrective feedback.

Would I Lie To You?

2006-08-18T22:29:00.000-04:00

I recently checked my Technorati page, to see if anyone new had linked to me who I should check out, as occasionally I expand my circle of blog friends this way. I found a link referring to my earliest Rock Star post which indicated that I "claimed to know Lukas" (contestant on Rockstar).

It's funny, because while we all know the Net is full of bad/misinformation, I have never thought as my own content as worthy of suspicion. Of course, to anyone who has read more than 1 post of mine, it would be obvious that I am not "a fan" of someone on a reality show trying to have a connection to him, but was speaking conversationally to my friends about a funny and small past connection to someone currently in the public eye. At that time, it was unknown whether Lukas would get past episode one, let alone become the target of so much female attention (and backbiting among females). It's getting kinda crazy out there - I have even heard that Lukas's own girlfriend picks fights with his admirers on message boards. I think we have a sensation on our hands, reminicient of the violent New Kids On The Block frenzy of 1990 (which those of us who took our little sisters to see in concert are still waiting for payback on).

Having worked hard (and been plain lucky) to cultivate a well -informed, civilized group of commenters I think it might be time to add a note to any newer readers of this page: When I talk about celebrity gossip or speculate, it's assumed I don't know these people - or want to. When I talk about my life, it's all true, no claims necessary. I may embellish a bit on one topic: my horrible neighbours, but it's for the greater good.

This post has the bitchy tone of Dave Navarro's blog, something hard to achieve without Dave Navarro's celebrity life, lifestyle, and - (ok Dave M - aka my Dave) - Navarro's musical greatness. But I have to admit, Dave Navarro is very articulate for a musician, especially in contrast to Tommy Lee, and raises a very good point in his blog: A lot of people talk a lot of trash and get way too involved in a TV show they watch, and what he writes is at least about his own, real life. Thank Royal Tenenbaum I didn't limit this blog to some fan page, but rather created something that I can breathe my own life into once in a while.

Worth A Damn - An Artifacts Film Review

2006-08-18T20:12:00.000-04:00

I know, I know..I usually only report on movies that are on DVD and have all but been forgotten. But in a rare break from tradition I have stepped out and seen something shiny new!
For those that share my sense of humour, you will really enjoy Little Miss Sunshine.

In case you need any more argument for than Toni Collette, Steve Carell, Greg Kinnear and Alan Arkin, delightful young Abigail Breslin gives a performance that makes me momentary reconsider my belief that no children should be part of the Hollywood machine - ever. (Breslin was the intuitive little girl in the film Signs.) The ensemble cast creates a believable and yet comfortingly - weirder than yours - family who embark on a road trip to enter 7 year old Olive in a beauty pageant. Amidst all of the adults' own preoccupations and neuroses, only Arkin as Grandpa has had the time to work with Olive on her dance routine for the pageant, and we wonder if the family will ever get there, and what Olive's performance will be. Hilarity really does ensue, especially in Carell's and Arkin's performances - two gifted comedians who play off each other well. Anchoring the film are Kinnear and Collette as a painfully familiar husband and wife who are holding family and marriage together while everyday rage and disappointment simmer beneath the surface.

There is a hint of Wes Anderson's Royal Tenenbaums' sweetness to this film, though happily for most viewers these characters stay closer to the ground. Not only are they low - but they are all casually depressed like so many people in the world. Olive aims to be crowned "Little Miss Sunshine", a role she plays in daily life for her family. Poignant and very funny, this is the best time I have had in the theatre in a long time. 8/10

CAUGHT IN THE PAZARAZZI CROSSFIRE VOL. 1

2006-08-16T11:20:00.000-04:00

Once in a while, when looking at yet another picture of say - Nicole Richie - as I can never give up my DListed gossip blog and so have the following daily internal conflict -(Emaciated! 85lbs say the tabs!) (leave her alone, leave her damn alone, she's just living her private life) (and why does anyone care about this person? Why do I, even for a sec?)- I am utterly distracted away from ~~her mesmerizing bobblehead~~ the star herself and forced to utter WTF? for a totally unrelated reason, THE BIZARRE CELEBRITY HANGER-ON.

Now, one of the reasons many many people have gotten rich, and many more have gotten mildly "internet" famous for snarking on famous or notorious celebs is due to some American law about satire and public figures. We Canadians just assume the same goes for us, because who really cares about Canadian bloggers? Ths means, if by some remote chance, this man, who could be a perfectly nice un-public person (and one whose embrace the brittle Ritchie seems very comforted in) were to read some irresponsible speculation about who he is and what they are doing printed here (all unknown skeezy people just shout dealer to me), he could probably send me a nasty letter and make me sad, or sue me before Judge Judy or something. So, sticking by the facts of this picture, we can safely assume that this man is sympatico with Nicole in the view that no sunglasses are too big, too red, or too fruity to distract from a weak chin and lank hair (two more things they share!) It's also safe to decide that any man who goes around in a "girls gone wild" tshirt is worthy of our smug superiority from the safety of the other side of our computer screens. Dude - and I am sure he would respond to that label- looks like a bad cgi of Sean Penn as Spiocoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

photo credit: http://dlisted.blogspot.com

2006-08-14T21:49:00.000-04:00

Awesome record store cats 1) Hardcore Techno Cat

The Contenders

2006-08-14T19:43:00.000-04:00

In my last post, I reported that there were two D-list celebs duking it out in the media (d-list style) for a piece of the larger than life Chuck Norris pie. (Chuck is the It boy of the moment for obvious reasons, and if you have to ask Norris may visit you in your sleep.) While Norris's recent buzz has been totally organic and fed by nostalgic yearnings of 30 something men, combined with the trends of wacky t-shirts and joke forwards proliferating the internet, the attempts of the contenders is cheaper and tawdrier even than their side music projects.

Both have reached iconic enough status to have "The" attached to their names - and at least one of these men (and I am willing to bet both) refer to themselves as such - in the third person.
Artifacts presents:

The Shat vs. The Hoff

The Shat:
Claim to Fame: James T. Kirk - 3 years on television and another quarter century sullying the beloved image

Vehicle: USS Enterprise * Irony * Undying love of Trekkies * Ego

Toughness: Beat Khan! / Lost soul brother Spock in The Wrath of Khan

Fill in the Chuck Norris Joke: The Shat doesn't sleep he - OVERACTS

Street Cred: Told Star Trek fans to "Get a Life" on film, broke hearts and bit feeding hands, subsequently doing All-Bran cereal commercials in Canada

Bonus fact: Has a degree from McGill University in Montreal, Quebec

The Hoff:
Claim to Fame: Knight Rider, Baywatch (the latter has made him RIIICH!)

Vehicle: KITT * Orange floaty thing * Ego

Toughness: Regularly was verbally and intellectually beat down by a fey, supercillious, talking car, which lets face it, was really the star.

Fill in the Chuck Norris Joke: Guns don't kill people - HOFF'S MUSIC kills people

Street Cred: None unless you count his German fame or (alleged) wife beating.

Bonus fact: Recently protested being ousted, drunk, from an event by stating "I'm the HOFF!"

CHUCK NORRIS..continued

2006-08-12T11:50:00.000-04:00

An apology to my readers: A while back I promised a post about Chuck Norris, and suggested there were two men who were attempting to challenge his pop cultural significance in their own D-list and imaginary internet way. I invoked the name of the Norris and then left you hanging.
I may have worried some that Norris had gotten to me, but rest assured it was just a stray arrow from Navarro.

For me, Chuck Norris was just some guy with a lot of beard. Disturbing, very red beard. I always wondered - what is he hiding? He had the suspicious bearding of a weak chinned man - but his chin appeared as large as a pickle jar. The mystery remains unsolved. To others (men) - fans of 80's action films with titles I would never be enticed by such as Strike Delta Force V (or something), Norris is known as the most badass non-Asian martial arts fighter (and I guess stage fighting, a separate skill) in Hollywood. Somehow Norris mythology has taken on a new life in the form of nostalgia-irony-satire-dv shorts (SNL's "Young Chuck Norris") and a feature of one of the most-advertised non-sexual related products for sale on the internet- t shirts invoking his name, likeness and "brand", along with a funny viral type email forward (Chuck Norris doesn't sleep - he waits) which already has it's own spin off dedicated to Jack Bauer from T.V.'s 24. This phenom is funny even if you have never seen a Chuck Norris film, as I haven't (I suffer from a condition called beard distractoma.)

With the resurgence of what Jessica Simpson's father / pimp / ex-youth minister would call "The Brand", I have to wonder, has Norris recieved a cut of these T-Shirts? I hope so - he is after all a living person, not a character, and one who is not exactly making box office records lately. Not to suggest that Norris would pimp his own name this way, I am sure he's not behind it - the man seems too earnest (the beard again) but it has to be a little strange to be one of the most talked about people on the internet and in popular media - not to mention the street- based on a joke which, though makes you sound cool /"bad"- also would make me very uncomfortable. After all, why Norris and why now? The IMDB lists two 2005 credits for Norris, suggesting that all this attention might have got him a credit or two, but there is nothing for 2006 or upcoming. A closer look tells me that Norris was producer of his presumably popular syndicated series "Walker: Texas Ranger" which tells me he may be taken care of, at least so many times richer than I that he doesn't really need my concern.

And what of the two celebrities that actively court the natural cred that Norris has maintained and cannot be easily bought? More on those later today. Can you guess?
Hint: They couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag even with the help of space age technology, and they go beardless. Also at least one of them is far richer than you would think (syndication again).

(Will at New & Used Records blogged about the Norris phenom awhile back, contributing to the stew in my head)

Chuck Norris talks to you at his offical site

Chuck Norris "facts"

Wikipedia entry for Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris

Don't steal this quote, journalism students

2006-08-09T20:30:00.000-04:00

This disturbing latex-looking man (I seriously cannot look at him) gave viewers the following chuckle in his reporting tonight on Entertainment Tonight.

Regarding the breaking news about Robin Williams entering rehab, Kevin Frazier cheerfully chuckled " Reps for the star asked that the media respect his privacy during this time. More on this story tomorrow!"

No word on whether Frazier's head is, as it appears to be, composed of resin.

Nutella Nation

2006-08-09T19:42:00.000-04:00

When we were kids growing up in the 80's, sugar was the enemy of "moms everywhere". There were good cereals (boring and plain) and bad cereals (an ongoing negotiation, which in my house ended with Alpha bits- sugar but no marshmallows or colours not found in nature). Moms had to have had it easier than- there are far too many choices now (ask anyone with anxiety-there is such a thing as too much choice). In those days there was peanut butter, thought to be a healthy choice, and the widely coveted but never purchased in my life Nutella, who's manufacturers would tell you is a creamy hazelnut spread- audaciously suggesting it's a little more "European" and highbrow than peanut butter - but is, to the naked eye, of all things, chocolate spread.

Such was my mother's well intentioned shunning of this product that when I look at it now, I actually feel queasy. I developed the snobbery of the self-deluded outsider, imagining that this product is only found in trailer park homes of neglected kids and is always shoplifted while buying grandma cigarettes and lotto.

My only real life experience comes from stories of a friend and my ex-roomate (who fit the above description in many ways, though we did not live in a trailer!) and her sexual exploits, which really added nothing to my chances of being a Nutella consumer.

A recent commerical for (how does it still exist) Nutella is a marvel. ZERO trans fat! 36 delicious hazelnuts per jar! My god, this company had the deck stacked against it in the 80's, before there was food product labelling, widely sold organic foods, and most people with buying power pretty much ate whatever the hell they wanted. How on earth have they survived- and if having TV commercials is an indication- thrived? It makes me wonder about the most sinister of connotations. Are they a side product of a major arms dealing conglomerate? Does the mob have a piece? And where do you stand on the emotional scale when you look at pictures like this?

a) I wanna vom

b) I wanna buy some

c) That reminds me of my last date

d) other?

Pretty on the Inside

2006-08-03T22:50:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about Courtney Love. The fiasco of Rockstar Supernova trods all over the graves of Nirvana and Hole weekly, and this recent reminder has made me realize that Courtney is never too far from my thoughts. There are some musicians who form an impression during a formative time in life and seem to become embedded in the conciousness like a distant lost friend, for me she is one. (Honestly, I have given her life more cumulative thought than many of my distant relatives.) Long before the invasive media told us nothing but too much information about people we don't really care about and who are disgusting and famous for less than nothing, the last interesting rock god and his "bitch whore" wife shook the world. Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love and their saga of music, drugs, ill-fated love and premature death (leading to this generation's most unshakable and impossible to disprove scandal attaching itself to Courtney, the sole survivor, like a bad, 10+ year hangover. Note:I love conspiracy theories as much or more than anyone, but I will not post my opinion on the death of Kurt Cobain. I feel safe in stating, however, 40 years on, that Marilyn Monroe was murdered. )

What I find most interesting about Love is that after all these years I still find the music with Hole enduring and important- and has any mainstream female rocked like this since? After a decade of mostly bad to horrible press and self-destruction (karma?), and music ranging from great to ok, I am still loyal to this unhealthy friendship. Would my friends and I have survived our early 20's as well as we did if not for her? From the world of Morrissey's covertly gay romantic isolationism (the closest we could find to a womanly voice in music), we were awakened by someone who spoke of "bad skin" who admitted to ugly behaviour "I want to be the girl with the most cake" (Doll Parts) and later, when hungry self-entitlement led the widow to a move into the movies and the L.A. lifestyle (like most everything else she did, this was greeted by skepticism, bile and bitterness in the media), chin up, Love still offering an edgy voice of truth, one that perhaps only an ex-stripper whose father wrote a book accusing her of murder could: "You want a part of me / Well, I'm not selling cheap /No, I'm not selling cheap (Celebrity Skin), and self-effacing honesty that I couldn't help but adore " I was punk / Now I'm just stupid "(Awful).

Among the many ugly rumours and emotions that attach themselves to Love, a persistent one is that her music and lyrics were written by more talented men: Cobain, and later Billy Corgan and Trent Reznor (HA!). This is one of the most fascinatingly disturbing (and deeply sexist) things about Love-hate- it attacks the one thing she claims as her own, the real accomplishment she has achieved on her own terms to great success, and strikes me as truly ignorant; with the exception of maybe Cobain, (a sensitive writer and self-described feminist), I highly doubt any man could write this raw and this female.

I told you from the start
just how this would end
When I get what I want
I never want it again

(Violet)

The Best of the Worst

2006-08-02T23:04:00.000-04:00

Just so my readers wouldn't have to, I have sat through many hours of Rockstar: Supernova, which airs for 2.5 hours weekly over 3 days in Canada.

Anyone who plays poker will understand: I'm pot committed - and though I have no money at stake, as you may know, I am tragically emotionally invested in supporting one of the competitors my friends and I once knew. I have come to resent the hours this time and emotional commitment I am bound to; not unlike the Stephen Colbert character in the film Strangers with Candy "I want more from this relationship than I am willing to give." I want it over. Such is the wickedness of the Mark Burnett curse that I momentarily allowed myself to think that if my horse were out of the race, I would be free and get on with my life. (Yes, I am now a reality show loser.) To justify my love, here is a snippet of unintentional humour for you music lovers.

I will spare you the alien meets Bjork by way of the Rio Grande rendition's of The Kinks "You Really Got Me"and my dear Blondie's "Call Me", for now.

I like you too much to make you watch a small Italian woman from New Jersey try to dry hump (7 times, from behind) a famous guitarist while screaming The Rolling Stones "Brown Sugar", or destroy a song that I never knew quite how much I loved until she got hold of it: Simple Minds' "Don't You Forget About Me". Paris is right, Stars ARE blind. And ears DO bleed.

Instead, I offer my readers the enduring BEST OF THE WORST of this summer's performances. Truly worthy of lovable freak status - ex-baseball player Chris Pierson sings Franz Ferdinand's "Take Me Out", and the untouchable "Roxanne" from The Police, which to be fair, only Eddie Murphy has ever taken a good stab at. "Please notice that this man, really, really swaggers with the confidence of someone who "knows" they are nailing it. His all-American -reality show dreamin' confidence that he is awesome makes him a star, in the 2 weeks he was around to suck really bad while voiceovering how awesome he was. Not even a suburban straight A student looks more wrong in these stylized clothes and flatironed hair. Chris reminds me of my favorite all time deluded freak, the bear tormentor Timothy Treadwell (R.I.P.) ,which is as high praise as exists here. Enjoy!

(Please don't) Put on "a" red li - i - i - i - ight - Roxanne

For the record, "Roxanne" has become a shorthand for all the contestants of disaster and fear. After his next performance, Chris thought he had successfully buried the memory of Roxanne. He was wrong, it's still the benchmark for disaster, weeks after his departure.

Who believes in mercy killing? Take Him Out

Please pay special attention to the delivery of ".....I know I won't BE LEAVING HERE WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!

I empathize that it's damn hard to get up and sing, and I really do feel for these people- to a point. They deserve some kindness that perhaps, millionaire celebrity idiots do not. I think that the trainwreck appeal of these shows is that we hope that our own filter of self awareness will protect us from making an ass of ourselves on even summer T.V., but it happens again and again with a fresh crop of victims by the month. On the upside, these are supposed to be the (reality land) best in the world and by that standard you or someone you know is easily as good as or greater than the 15th greatest singer on earth at this moment.

Jordan Catalano makes the big time

2006-07-31T21:05:00.000-04:00

I recently learned that Jared Leto's little vanity band " 30 Seconds To Mars" has been nominated for an MTV Video award, (whatever you think of this event, they are up against Green Day and Red Hot Chili Peppers) which shocked me into realizing that this may be (slightly) more than just a side joke ignored by all but teenagers and bloggers, leading to the first Artifacts Audit:

Jared Leto is an enigma. Those I surveyed in a random poll, if they know him at all, know him as the illiterate, maddening himbo heartbreaker from the short lived series " My So-Called Life" which starred Claire Danes. He is either an occasionally brilliant actor or very close to the characters he plays-which, it must be said are idiots, low-lifes, junkies, or lead him to be billed below Meatloaf in Fight Club.

Reportedly, Leto has quite a sincere and serious thing going with his garage band. While touring in small venues and throwing hissyfits if his face and famous name are used on advertising, and favoring a "disguise" of blue eyeshadow, the band has clearly only reached whatever modicum of recognition because of Leto's limited-but-still-way-more-famous-than-all-the-good-local-bands you-know-name brand, and the acclaimed video features mainly just the actor/frontman/singer in most of the shots, hamming it up for all it's worth in a retooling of "The Shining". While Leto would probably love to be just one of four guys in a struggling band, he also chose for his role that of the singer, assuring him the most visible place in the life of the band. While these contradictions may make perfect sense in the silly life of celebrities, they don't to the critical observer. (It should be noted that the band's look and sound are also strongly reminiscent of My Chemical Romance, whose music and videos I enjoy vastly more.)

Paris Hilton and her ilk's persistent existence on M.O.R. radio have brought the question of payola to the forefront of critics's minds, and the "packaging" of TV/ movie actors with pop careers often raises the same questions. Let's hand it to Jared Leto, however, for reinvention of his struggling brand (as masterfully played by Gwen Stefani and Green Day over the age of 30).

Forever young in eyeliner, rock on Jordan.

30 Seconds To Mars in The Shining 2

Steal This Quote:

2006-07-25T09:50:00.000-04:00

“Working with Disney gives me shivers”

(Add me timbers and yer all set, Keith!)

(Richards quote: New York Magazine, July 17th 2006)

- Keith Richards on his understandable reluctance to appear in the third installment of Pirates of the Caribbean. Say what you will about a series of movies based upon an amusement park ride, but there is no disputing it’s been spun into solid gold. Grosses as of July 25th are $321,899,233, with the fastest rise to the $300 million mark in history. Every new stat that “dwarfs” Tommy Cruise’s offerings makes me very happy.

Steal This Quote:

2006-07-20T09:17:00.000-04:00

Neil Young on Woodstock:

" You gotta look at these these events in Rock & Roll history as shit, okay? Woodstock was a big piece of shit, and there have been several pieces of shit all the way down the line since the beginning of rock and roll - it's all waste.

What's meaningful is what's left and gone beyond that. So all we have is people standing around a pile of shit, looking at it. You wouldn't expect the thing that shit to go back and sit in the shit, would you?"

- From the engrossing biography by Jimmy McDonough "Shakey - Neil Young's Biography"

I have never heard Woodstock described as less than utopian by anyone involved before. Neil Young's self created, uncompromising, crusty and driven life and world is is intriguing, and this biography written with (grudging) consent and participation of Young and his closest friends is fascinating beyond and aside from his music (or politics).

My Reading List: Updated

2006-07-10T12:55:00.000-04:00

My reading list: updated. These last three books affected me quite strongly, providing nourishment in my personal education about writing as well as food for thought about the human experience. Kincaid, Didion, and Klosterman all mine their own psyches to make sense of their lives and the world, a noble pursuit for writers.

My Brother is Jamaica Kincaid's memoir about her brother's illness and death of AIDS in Antigua in 1996. Deeply personal and honest, Kincaid discusses her own strained relationships with her family and past, and sees her brother's life as one she may have narrowly escaped had she not come to America and become a writer ("to survive") . Kincaid had not been home for 20 years before she returned to care for her brother, who was 3 years old when she left. Her outsider/insider status in her family and culture is fascinating, though the prose is at times claustrophobic- as I am sure these feelings were for the writer. I had to pick this up and put it down several times to get through it, though a worthwhile read.

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion is intimidating to write about- this is a phenomenal writer and the subject matter is profound and devastating. The book is a memoir about the process of dealing with illness and grief, and has resonated with the literary world and the public because it's both beautifully and economically written and brings a new openness and classy voice to the memoir tradition and the discussion of grief. Didion lost her husband and writing partner of 40 years, John Gregory Dunne, suddenly one evening while they were facing their only child's serious and inexplicable illness. She would struggle without John while their daughter, Quintana, was seriously ill through that year, (within a few years losing her). Didion, like Kincaid, recounts the sensations and daily struggles to understand, cope, control, "fix" the situation, while the less angry Didion applies an intelligent and stunningly cool journalistic approach to research, notetaking, and getting the story of her own loss. Open on almost any page and be stopped in your tracks:
"At one point in the summer it occurred to me that I had no letters from John, not one."
I am still trying to work out how Didion struck such a perfect chord between grief and beautiful prose. She's just that talented.

In Sex, Drugs, and Cocoapuffs, Chuck Klosterman of Spin magazine compiles his assorted essays which are the standard by which popular culture analysis should be measured. Funny, brilliant, creative, it's fascinating to observe which turn his thoughts will take as he connects the questions of everyday life and love with serious critical analysis of "The Real World" series, "Saved by the bell", the "bozo" out of Coldplay, and my favorite essay title of all time "The Awe-Inspiring Beauty of Tom Cruise's Shattered, Troll-like Face". I'm so jealous.

(next up: Play it as it Lays - Joan Didion, biographies of Neil Young, and Audrey Hepburn) - for some reason I always pick up a few biographies in the summer, always a challenging (and not well respected??) literary form- but a well written memoir about an interesting life can be one of the most satisfying reads.

24. My Brother - Jamaica Kincaid
23. The Year of Magical Thinking - Joan Didion
22. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoapuffs - Chuck Klosterman
21. A Walk in the Woods - Bill Bryson
20. Reversible Errors - Scott Turow
19. A Room Of One's Own - Virginia Woolf
18. Strange Things - Margaret Atwood
17. In A Sunburned Country - Bill Bryson
16. The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver
15. Starlight Tour - Susanne Reber
14. Three Day Road - Joseph Boyden
13. In the Skin of a Lion - Michael Ondaatjte
12. Grizzly Maze - Timothy Treadwell's fatal obsession with Alaskan Bears - Nick Jans
11. Starlight Tour - Susanne Reber
10. Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran Foer
9. Down To This - Shaunessey Bishop-Stall
8. Who Has Seen The Wind - W.O. Mitchell
7. Souvenir of Canada - Douglas Coupland
6. America: The Book - Jon Stewart (& Daily Show writers)
5. The Way The Crow Flies - Anne Marie MacDonald
4. Magical Thinking - Augusten Burroughs
3. Dry - Augusten Burroughs
2. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
1. The Hours - Michael Cunningham

Artifacts is going to go on a short break as I would like to come back with some real writing that may take a little time, unlike knee-jerk shallow observations about horrible rich celebrities (and not artists, not actors, not writers, not people saving the world), which although fun or funny at times is often very unsatisfying at the end of the day, and feels dirty the morning after!
I plan to continue to recap Rock Star: Supernova regularly.

Get Used To It

2006-07-05T19:18:00.000-04:00

Rock Star: Supernova
I know there is a scale of over-exaggeration used on Entertainment Tonight that approaches info-mercial proportions, but I was still pretty astounded to hear these guys called "Three LEGENDARY Rockers!!" Or maybe I am just ill-informed about what makes a legend these days.

Shades of X-Men or - porn names?

Meet contestants STORM LARGE

and RYAN STAR

Not to be confused with ex-American Idol Ryan Starr (below)

Hell, might as well add PATRICE PIKE to the X-Men 4 cast, even though she looks like an old mommy and seeing old mommy squat and rockout makes me have nightmares.

This greedy Icelandic bastard is number one on the Icelandic charts with his band, according to the show, and yet here he is trying to audition for the rock legends! I don't care how small the Icelandic rock market is, that's just plain greedy-assed!

More Rock Star impressions to follow. Like it or not.

Blog block

2006-07-05T11:40:00.000-04:00

As so often happens when I am reading something by a talented writer, I am currently creatively paralyzed and embarrassed by what I have dared to write and hit the “publish” button on. I wish I could just enjoy something I read and not have it directly affect my own confidence level, but I am keenly aware that I have much to learn, and that ideally, I would write and edit much over a period of time before anything saw the light of day, as opposed to the demands of the daily blog format which is sometimes write first, cringe later. I greatly admire Rich’s Four Four blog, which is some of the best writing I have seen anywhere, and represents the best of the pop culture blog essay format. I envy the “photo driven” (usually gossip) blogs which are no doubt work for those who write the blurbs and source the pictures (and contain a lot of daily content) but seem to almost write themselves. After taking a few days off for the long weekend I realized I had only a few stalled ideas which became increasingly boring (or I am bored with them) or desperate and ill – advised:

Something about the phenomenon of 24: (Not the T.V. show- the free Toronto subway rag paper that 99% of transit riders slavishly read, that offers no real value to this earth except to keep them from staring at people (me) on the subway. I wonder what kind of power it could have if it contained meaningful content rather than last week’s gossip and consumer electronics ads)

Canada’s Next Top Model: - Who cares? I will just say I predict that final 3 (should be) Cici, Andrea, and Brandi, and I was glad to see Tenika go. My CNTM watching/recapping will be replaced with Rock Star, for obvious reasons.

My experience at a downtown grocery store yesterday afternoon which stunned me speechless: I have received confirmation from loved ones that I don’t resemble a vagrant and YET the aging JOY-alike who packaged eleven dollars worth of prepared chicken for me verbally assaulted me with “Are you SURE you are going to want this? It’s really expensive. You aren’t just going to take it and stick it on a shelf somewhere are you?” (And the implied message, when translated from Trailer-speak to english was: Are you going to steal this girlie? Because I make this in 2 hours and I would!"

And just moments ago: A temptation to cut and paste a really funny email from my friend Stacey about among other things, baby carrots, but reason kicked in and advised me that as funny as it may be, the urge to drop it here is also evidence that I am in creativity crisis.

Rock Star Supernova: A fable..

2006-06-27T21:04:00.000-04:00

I once knew a rock star. True to my own held belief that myself and my pals are all stars in our way, albeit anonymously, he was largely undiscovered. The thing was, he sang, performed and basically acted like a rock star, displaying survival characteristics that are very hard for non-rock stars to be around at times, but are essential ones for anyone who struggles in obscurity while hoping for a crack at the big time.

Lukas Rossi was the singer of a band (horribly named) Cleavage, who developed a certain local following in Toronto in the late 90’s and early 2000’s. My oldest friend and I met him and his group at one of our favorite Toronto clubs, Limelight. She and Luke hit it off, and became a couple. While she preferred to walk from A to B and get to where she was going, he would stop and harmonize, such was his love of performing. This difference made non-musical harmony difficult, and they parted ways. He was talented with a great vocal range and a huge stage presence – too huge for the Toronto dives the band played in, often for free.

I was surprised, shocked and happy to learn from my T.V. that dear Luke is one of a group of 15 to be considered for the lead singer of the new “Super group” on Rock Star Supernova, featuring Tommy Lee. We are almost over the shock now, and have now decided we must emulate sports fans and root for our hometown boy. Like die-hard Toronto sports fans, many of whom have never seen a Stanley cup come home in their lifetime, we must channel our energies for Luke to have his dream, only with much more success than hockey fans have had. If his dream is to be a reality show winner (seemingly one of the few avenues open to many talented people, it seems) and to cohort with Tommy Lee, and more likely to get seen, noticed, and deservedly signed by someone, God speed. If one is going to be a reality show contestant, than a Mark Burnett show is the one to be on.

So far, Lukas is coming across as a clear leader in the competition: it appears rather than follow instructions to recite “I am the next Rock Star!” like the other contestants from Canada, Luke coolly said “Hey Canada, I will see you soon”. Ladies will love him but do remember who had him first.

Artifacts would love to get a chance to chat with Luke about the competition if he is doing any local interviews, and Jacquie, Stacey, and Dave will be here in his corner (east side / Scarborough) all summer....

Updated August 16th: for more of my coverage on Lukas Rossi and Rock Star Supernova, check out these other posts, and check back at my main page as I will be watching and posting commentary all summer. HERE

Not all singing

Donny & Marie?

Get used to it

Official page here

If anyone is interested, here are some audio downloads of music from Luke's old band Cleavage. Check out the track Future's Fire, it's as good as anything I have heard in the rock world lately, and better than most.

Rock Star: Supernova
SPECIAL 90 MINUTE CBS PREMIERE
Wednesday July 5 at 8 p.m. ET/PT

FIRST CBS ELIMINATON SHOW
Thursday July 6 at 9 p.m. ET/PT

Pride 2

2006-06-26T10:43:00.000-04:00

I can’t think of a better reason to exhibit carpal tunnel symptoms than the one I have at the moment: From Excessive Fanning. Yes, I am a diva, and will now travel with a fan everywhere I go in summer.

Toronto was transformed this weekend, not just to mount the annual Pride parade and related festivities, but as Dave and I found out, into a sort of utopia that welcomes all good people and an event that Torontonians can be proud of.

Having spent a great many summer weekends in past years out of town visiting friends’ cottages, Pride weekend in Toronto is not something I expected to enjoy so much, as we discovered as part of our recent effort to get to know our own home city and culture.

Like everyone, I watch the news coverage of the annual event which would have us believe that it’s pretty much just open to extreme types such as S&M gear clad or heavily made-up costumed people in 5 inch heels. I am sorry to report there wasn’t as much of the latter as I would have liked, for anyone who knows what a Hedwig fan I am. What the news doesn’t tell the public while it’s too busy making my poor grandmother uncomfortable, is that Pride has grown into something which, although it has no obligation to, extends a welcoming hand to all people, including families, foreign tourists, cultural tourists, and even those pervy middle aged men with a front-row spot at the sidelines trying to steal pics or video camera shots of boobies, though those men may be understandably doused with a roving super soaker from a parade float.

Highlights of the weekend:
Cowboys and joggers: I am sure by late Saturday night this would have become a great big street party, but at 3:00 pm it was an empty section of Church St. with a fantastic sound system set up and a DJ spinning, while a crowd watched one dancer who was the most hilarious style I have ever seen go nuts. He looked like elastic man. Imagine how this will look when I learn how to animate still pictures (such as my sidebar pic of Tyra, which is borrowed). Inexplicably, an unrelated charity run set up its course through the main Pride drag, meaning an inexplicably lost looking trickle of runners would occasionally cross paths with hundreds of people strolling the other way. (Below- behold the dancing cowboy, and at right - joggers who appear lost.)

The South Stage: Caught up in the festiveness of the day and possessing our obligatory souvenirs (such was the vacation feeling), we made our way to a beer garden located in a parking lot which had been turned into an outdoor dance club. We listened to 4 different DJ’s spin, danced to a mix of music ranging from house and techno to Madonna, and drank much beer. I would slap anyone who would call me a hippie but the vibe in that place was the best I have ever felt, anywhere on earth. Even before we got drunk.

Fanning: Someone on the street was giving out paper fans, mine is now one of my best friends. I am actually exhibiting carpal tunnel syndrome symptoms from excessive fanning of myself and others I deemed fan worthy. I also provided fanning for people upon request. Something that seems frivolous and, well, gay, is actually as practical as my wallet. It can wave away all the crowd odours: B.O., smoke, sewer smell, as well as keep you remarkably cool and fresh.

Sunday’s main event: The Pride parade. I was quite amazed to see the people that came out to watch the parade, everyone from all walks of life. Even the ones who were surely only there because it was free entertainment were respectful and positive. Reportedly 1 million people were expected to turn out. The only crowds I have experienced of this size were after the Jays won the World Series and needless to say, sports fans are a little scary.

I think along with the phenomenal effort of those involved with the parade, the great positive statement being made and well received by Torontonians, and what it represents to live in a diverse and progressive city such as ours, another reason this event has wide appeal is that Toronto itself has always needed something to celebrate and parade about aside from the old, creaky, November Santa Claus parade. Having limited parade experience I was expecting a Santa like finale however, but that’s just me.

All photos credited to Dave, more pics at Concrete to Cottages

Advertisers seek Pride, offer SHAME

2006-06-24T09:35:00.000-04:00

It's PRIDE week here in Toronto, a massive yearly celebration of queer culture and a major tourist event. I picked up an Xtra free paper, one of dozens of free papers that litter Toronto, and in it was a little brochure: a guide to pride festivites. As someone who will and does read (and over-analyze) almost anything in my quest for cultural relevance in free newspapers, what immediately caught my attention was the targeted, special advertising included in the booklet. You know these tourist booklets that are 90% ads? While it's probably more or less ignored by it's target, like most advertising, but I think the world needs to know how goddamned foolish these particular advertisers are in this particular case.

Some ads are only embarrassingly pandering, others, confusing - Why KPMG? Why?

Why would someone reading the event guide for things to do for fun and celebration want to think about Audit, Tax, Advisory? And don't you think maybe the flag waving imagery is a little too subtle?

Dear Lord of flag manufacture, how did I almost miss this ad in my search? "I know, we can LITERALLY wrap ourselves in a rainbow flag, and at the same time, partially obscure our faces!" This ad is the shared shame of Toronto and everyone who has ever picked up a camera. It made my mouth go dry and I got dizzy, that's how bad it is.

Are gay men supposed to be the new money-grubbing stereotype once openly reserved for certain racial groups? Lesbians, the banks aren't interested in you, sorry. Even though it's clear that only 10 minutes was spent writing the ad copy, one of these banks copied the other, because we can all take pride in who we are, and we share your pride, 365 days a year, which, coincindentally, is how we compound the interest we charge you!

Trojan: Magnum. Maybe next year, Blue Steel...Finally, an ad that makes sense, and is suprisingly more tasteful/artistic than the others combined ....yes, really, as you will see!

Most intriguing. This recruiting ad for the Ontario Provincial Police is clearly placed here to appeal to members of the gay community, (or create the appearance of same) , but won't or can't go so far as to say that. It's existence in this booklet, and the microscopic flag on the cruiser placed in the middle background of a past Pride parade which was clearly a rich overtime pay duty for the cops pictured, are the only giveaway. It's strategically placed and yet self-conciously vague, in case an angry red-faced civilian stumbled across it. Though I cannot imagine this profession being the most gay-friendly, I guess it's good that they are looking for "people from diverse backgrounds who represent the communities we serve" wink! wink! And who love uniforms?

As porn star and feminist (!!) Nina Hartley stated in the book Reefer Madness, by Eric Schlosser (Fast Food Nation), SEX is used aggressively to sell everything but sex. In this case, an attempt to sell razor blades is 100x more graphic than ads for erotic phone chat and condoms! Has men's magazine Maxim's "found porn" segment influenced trends in personal care ads?

Schick, you've taken the prize for making me draw my petticoats closer around my ankles! Was it really necessary? Is the razor business really that competitive? I guess it is...

Happy Pride to everyone who celebrates and happy weekend to everyone else!

NOTE: (Monday) - I will be posting a report and photos about Toronto's pride weekend festivities this evening.

Quote of the Day

2006-06-24T08:33:00.000-04:00

Why is it that this little feature that should take 5 minutes max, that I intended to do everyday is beyond my capabilities? How embarrassing.

"I love kids. I was a kid myself, once. " - Tom Cruise

(Did ya miss me yet? (Insert crazy overlaugh here..) uh..)

Photo credit: Gallery of the Absurd. Where's SURI, Bitches? I am actually afraid to know, now.

IT’S GETTING REALLY SILLY NOW

2006-06-20T22:21:00.000-04:00

8:52 pm -I really don’t make a point to watch CNN, but who could ignore the pr machine advertising, previewing, sneak peeking, and leaks of the big Angelina Jolie interview with Anderson Cooper tonight on CNN, which has been hyped for a few days.

All I will really say is it’s getting really silly when I turn on the reprehensible Larry King (in order to be ready for the following show, Anderson Cooper 360), and it’s an hour of Larry talking to Cooper about the Jolie interview including clips of what’s coming up in “WHAT? 8 Minutes?’--- Larry King at his best.

I know everyone is as tired of these people as I am of talking about them. I am at the point that I am starting to want to see tangible proof that there is some humanitarian gain (a ledger perhaps) against the PR and yearlong raspberry (ppppffffttt) she has been giving Jen Aniston (of whom I am not a fan but really now…). For some reason the news that they are getting another baby in a few weeks, not sure what country or race yet..has pushed me over the edge. (While knowing full well it's none of my business, but I don't put out press releases about my family plans)..

After all, Bono hasn’t made BFFs with Jolie (or her hypnotized baby holder Brad) to date, and isn’t that the Good Samaritan seal of approval?

Why does it strike me so funny that Anderson Cooper has bestowed the title “The Most Famous Mother In The World” on Jolie. Is that really what she is famous for? She has been famous for many things at various times along with notorious.. is the title a euphemism?

Is it wrong to wish that Angelina Jolie could make her next humanitarian effort a side trip to donate some makeup and style lessons, a general education in how to speak well, and why/how not to chew gum in interviews to Britney? Hell naw, that would be like flushing money down the toilet.

update 11:03 pm: An hour into half watching this interview (busy catching up with blogging), I can report that Cooper has done something really interesting and smart with this show. He has structured it as a 2 hour special, interspersing a lot of important stories about the struggles of developing nations with the interview. So by using Jolie as bait for shallow gossip hounds, he is forcing the audience to watch difficult stories they would never watch otherwise. Well played Coop.

Postscript:11:30 This 2 hour special was very informative, it's too bad the trash media is going to edit out all but the 20 minutes about Jolie's personal life, which was actually boring. Time for bed!

One of those Nights

2006-06-14T21:03:00.000-04:00

I am not sure how a dinner with friends ended up with the four of us surfing a site which features clothing and accessories for ferrets, and giggling like crazy, but let me just say that I found something that fits in perfectly with my collection of freaks, ugly art and general weirdness. I am very pleased to share FerretBeret, (pronounced faray) my new alter ego:

The combination of sheer discomfort and humilation evident in most clothed animal pictures makes for great comedy. Couple that with the true manevolent evil in this little fella's eyes, and the sure knowledge that his fur has been combed and perhaps even moussed, and the fact that he is wearing a blue beret is almost gravy. For anyone who reads Dlisted and comments there, this will be my gravatar, so hands off. I think this is what my soul looks like.

For more in Blue Beret modelling, scroll down to Phillip Bloch.
(Thanks MJ, how could I miss a near- separated at birth??)

Who knew?

2006-06-14T20:25:00.000-04:00

I just learned that there are awards for movie trailers. I agree with this year's winner for best Movie Trailer, MI:111blah. I will never go out of my way to sit through the movie but I really enjoyed the trailer, especially the final scene when Tom Cruise get slammed against a car from an explosion. He is there in all his tinyness and it looks hilarious and tantalizingly real. I can watch it over and over.

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"NEW YORK (AP) -- The full 126 minutes of "Mission: Impossible III" probably won't win best picture at next year's Oscars, but it had the best two-minute trailer at the 7th annual Golden Trailer Awards.

A jury that included directors Quentin Tarantino and Guy Ritchie chose the "Mission: Impossible III" trailer for best of show. It also won for best trailer of action movies over the past year and among 2006 summer blockbusters.

The Golden Trailer Awards, founded in 1999, bills itself as the "world's fastest awards show." At a recent New York ceremony at the Directors Guild of America, miniature movie star trailers were handed out as trophies.

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Watch the trailer: HERE

Celebrity Hair terror alert for summer!

2006-06-13T19:55:00.000-04:00

Be on the lookout for this man. He has wild eyes, an unkempt appearance (don't be fooled - he has a lot of money), a clenched fist and a scary two-tone skunk beard. He was last seen making disturbing, long, snuffy, subtitled films. At right is an earlier picture when he was at times referred to by the silly media as "The Sexiest Man Alive".

Hump Park Salute

2006-06-13T11:53:00.000-04:00

Weekend outing:

As a response to anti-New York propaganda from friends who think "we have that here!", against my better judgments and experience, Dave, our dog Bruce and I embarked on a visit to Toronto’s High Park this weekend as a response to the Toronto vs. New York comments (as well as some inner guilt that I should at least pack as much sightseeing knowledge, exploration and experience in one year in Toronto as I do one week in NYC).

I am embarrassed to even think that I entertained the hype. Friends and future conversational partners in my city, I am forced to now reassert my stance that if you do not visit New York’s Central Park in your lifetime, please at the very least cease and desist from comparing it unfavourably or even equally to Toronto’s (you'd have to be) High Park.

I am sure that for people that live near the park and without green space, this is a wonderful place. But I have never been more grateful to live in the much maligned eastside known as Scarborough, where parks are plentiful and varied. The highlight of our visit, where we hoped to take our dog for some fun, involved the High Park dog run where people sat around on low bleachers surrounding a dirt circle where I watched not only the dust fly as I looked for the expected cockfight, but the main source of human and dog entertainment involved dogs trying to hump, including:

1) A dog attempting to hump its owner, who if not enjoying it at least did not object to or deter the occurrence
2) A dog attempting to hump another dog
3) A three way dog hump – off, or as my sister Aly coined the phrase as a child “ a choo-choo train”

Needless to say all three of us looked on from a safe distance experiencing a range of emotions from mild bemusement tinged with horror to abject horror. We let the dog play off leash in the scrubby wasteland that was as far away from the hump pit as possible for 20 minutes. As a dog lover, I think that all this dominance in the form of hump-offs from the dogs means there is not enough space for the guys to play comfortably, co-exist and socialize in a healthy way. It seems that this corner of X-rated doggiedom is more fun for the socializing owners than the dogs.

We then headed back the way we came, taking time to visit the centerpiece of the park, a Canadian flag composed of flowers which while the rest of the city blooms, was a pile of dirt, and some fountains or something that were dry. On the map they had seemed so promising. For a surreal experience, dogs are allowed / forced to walk through a really sad collection of zoo animals, and the fact that I tried to introduce my Lab to an Ox through a fence to see his reaction shows you how far I had fallen, so fast.

While we can’t get our time back from our visit to High Park, we have developed a new appreciation for our own backyard (Scarborough) and our own opinions.

Pee-wee lives!

2006-06-12T15:40:00.000-04:00

News of the day:

Pee Wee Herman returns to T.V!

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After 15 years, the world will again peek into Pee-wee's Playhouse!

The comedy-variety show, starring Paul Reubens as Pee-wee Herman, will air on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim at 11 p.m., starting July 10. The network has purchased rights to all 45 episodes of the bizarre show chronicling the misadventures of the man-child Herman.

"I'd say this was a dream come true, but I never dared to dream the Playhouse would join Adult Swim's amazing lineup of cool shows!" Reubens said. "Well, maybe I did dream of it a couple of times. OK, it's a dream come true!"

"We're all huge fans of Pee-wee's Playhouse and we're really happy that it will be a part of Adult Swim," said Mike Lazzo, Cartoon Network senior vice president of programming and production. (From T.V. Com)

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I am really excited about this. Along with Winona Ryder I have really been rooting for this guy.

The Pee Wee Herman character, played by actor Paul Reubens, originated as a collaboration between Reubens and Phil Hartman. Reubens auditioned for Saturday Night Live but was not hired. He then toured with the character as a stand up act. The act, performed for an adult audience, was toned down when Pee Wee was given his own Saturday morning T.V. spot, though the innuendo is still apparent to mature viewers raised on The Simpsons and South Park.

Pee-wee related memorabilia has become quite collectable over the years

The highly original, trippy, and entertaining show featured cast members Lawrence Fishburne as “Cowboy Curtis “ and Phil Hartman among others, and ran on CBC from 1986 to 1991. In 1995 Reubens, Hartman and director Tim Burton collaborated on Pee-wee’s first feature film, “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure”, followed by “Big Top Pee-wee”, at one time my sister Aly’s very favorite movie.

No word yet on whether this will air in Canada, but for once I am really hoping we follow the American’s T.V. programming lead and see it here. I need a show to watch this summer. Fingers crossed.

I would rather ignore the scandals around Reuben’s private life, because I think he was very unfairly targeted by a hungry L.A.P.D. If only Pee-wee enjoyed the privacy and press manipulation of the big stars with skeletons in their closets today! Or the ones who are only famous for grandpa’s hotels and making amateur porn.

Quote of the Day

2006-06-11T11:58:00.000-04:00

Seriously, this is the most phenomenal compliment I have ever heard made about a woman:

"She was an astounding beauty who could impress the ladies who lunch at Spago and at the same time she could ride a saddle-less horse in a loincloth at full gallop while shooting a crossbow with uncanny precision" - Edward Lozzi, publicist for the late Lana Clarkson.

Should we ever have publicists, I hope they will be able to have such creatively fantastic things to say about us in life and in memoriam as did the publicist for the late Lana Clarkson, the actress and model who died February 3, 2003. (Music producer and alleged nut Phil Spector has been charged and the trial has been repeatedly delayed for years. )

My discovery has also made me admit that Vanity Fair still completes me as does ol' Dominic Dunne- after all I talk about them or quote them every damn week.

Canada's Next Top Embarrassment

2006-06-11T10:29:00.000-04:00

After considering two episodes of painfully Canadian top model, I have decided, I'm out. It's too painful.

Before I go, here are the experts in Canadian beauty ( judges):

The best thing that can be said is that Stacy McKenzie, is 1) VERY interesting looking/sounding/ethnicity 2) Has had a successful modeling career and 3) has started, god help us, her own business as a runway coach.
I think this asshat is only sold at the asshat store for asses in Los Angeles, next door to the fake and bake tan salon for men above the botox in minutes beadmaking factory.
Jeanne Beker, successful Canadian journalist for 75 years or so, has the astute critical judging eye (and nose) of someone who has studied beauty from the outside looking in. She's too good for this show as she is a real fashion reporter.

If only I could find a picture of the morbidly obese man who was secretly rating the girls in order to pounce on them during dinner and share his opinion on who he would cast. He rates the even spacing of features and body weight with the accuracy of a total hypocrite / slave auctioner in bad days of old.

With Canadian Idol and Canada's Next Top Model, we have the McDonald's franchise of Canadian television, pretty much like the original but not as good a deal and we never really get the McRib here. It remains to be seen if the kids of today will have their precious egos strengthened by this inclusion or more embittered. If they pay attention, they may see that our stage sets are smaller, our production budgets are still Canadian (every Canadian production, large and small, is made with help from government assistance), and just as kids in other non-U.S. countries (Japan for example), we may see and be experts in American T.V. but they don't have a clue about ours (nor should they), and reality show winners are still hopelessly confined to Canadian fame.

This embarrassing picture from the set, is of possible winner Andrea. It looks like some sort of personals ad or really clueless "sexy" pictorial. And I don't know where she shops because even her hometown of Oshawa, Ontario does not sell clothes this bad, unless she just reached into the community church lost and found and called it done. There is a remote possiblity that she has a beautiful baby brother like Harvey who picks out her clothes. The thing I am really afraid to find out is if her bathroom reader worthy pants actually say "Kiss kiss bang bang". I think I am having a stroke.

Unlike Idol, A/CNTM women have no preconceptions or prior experience to aid their efforts and confidence. Instead, this show follows the model of other shows where shock, trauma, tears, reversals, and transformations are everything. Rather than 12 experienced amateur singers who participate in a competition where the cream more or less rises to the top, these bored students and people who were found walking in a mall are thrown into a shark tank where fierceness is supposed to save them.

I can't quite laugh at Canada's Next Top Model, for me it fires off synapses of jealous comparisons which I am really too old for, and feel like a child again who hopelessly searched the fine print (...Offer not available in Canada, when they bothered to tell us at all.) They start with only 8 girls, not 12 or 14 (never mind the pre-auditions.) The judging room looks about the size of a large bathroom. The presumably Canadian production crew keeps showing boring vistas of generic Canadian scenery which I can't identify. The host, although pretty, just can't be Tyra since the dark gods broke that mold and wouldn't ship it to Canada anyway, just like Target.

Since this ends my CNTM coverage, I will add that the first elimination was not for a bad picture, but for a bad attitude. I thought bad attidutes were crucial for "this business" or at least - reality T.V. but in Canada we have a government madated "nice"clause which luckily does not regulate blogs.

I'm Swingin' again kids!

2006-06-10T11:54:00.000-04:00

Swingin' in there
Cause she wanted me to feed her
So I mixed up the batter
And she licked the beater

If this shocks you, welcome to 1990. What shocks me is that this was censored in 1990.

Like many people, a lot of my blog content is created from my assorted reading, research, other media, strange discoveries and sometimes, the "celebrity news" we are all bombarded with contrasted with my own, hopefully interesting and original point of view. Ideas come from a kneejerk reaction to a silly celebrity story (what? Charlie Sheen has a clothing line for little girls? Huh?) or from something that may have been kicking around in my head for months or years (The Dixie Chicks as a symbol of political musicians in mainstream music, 2002 and now). Though seriously off the cuff at times, this little chunk of real estate of mine requires a certain amount of free creative thought and daydreaming.

This past week I faced something new in my time of blogging but which other bloggers can no doubt relate to - a creative/ time/technological black hole. Oh, I had ideas and jotted some things in my notebook. But this free and great tool we use to communicate wasn't working even when I had the time. This, combined with the fact that I was forced to be almost totally absorbed with real life outside of the popculture world, (final exam and new job) would have meant that had I been able to connect and load pictures, the only result might have been the contents of my Contemporary Canadian studies course crammed brain " The three cornerstones of the National Policy were 1) The construction of the CP Rail to symbolically and physically unite the country from coast to coast..." and the intake of new knowledge I have learned in my job which, for my readers, would be about as exciting as the National Policy mandate at this early stage.

All of this introduction is my way of getting back into the mindset I prefer: Guardian of pop-culture watching, analysis, dissemination, snark, old news, and silliness. That feels better.

Without further ado, I offer you the only blog worthy laugh I experienced last night before sleeping for 12 hours (though pretending to myself to be watching TV for the first 4):

Warrant's metal-lite anthem to baked goods, Cherry Pie, whose video was banned and album carried an explicit lyrics warning sticker when originally released.

(The quality is poor - 1990- but stick with it. )

The video is so innocent now compared to even (especially) commercials for chewing gum, that it breaks my heart. I can even remember in my younger days being a little shocked by this video- oh shit wait, that was just my emerging feminism. Boundaries have been pushed so GD far lately that watching this, I feel like I am visiting a foreign country that I would like to imagine is childlike and innocent. We tend to blame the Britney Spears-ification of pop music videos but television advertising is one of the few things that manages to shock and offend me regularly, suggesting that these reactions from potentially disgusted customers is entirely the twisted point.

The suggestiveness of Cherry Pie (pre-American Pie films, which pretty much own pie sexuality for good or ill), after the requisite brain scrub, must be viewed in context. The outfit worn by the model is now seen regularly on 11(teen) year olds boarding the bus to school, in a big hurry to grow up. The lyrics are downright sweet and romantic and remind me of what Happy Days told us the 1950's was like. Layers of tv fed nostalgia overwhelm my senses.

Tell me these lyrics do not make you think about Buddy Holly or good ol' Archie Andrews: "She's my cherry pie / Cool drink of water / Such a sweet suprise / Taste so good / Make a grown man cry / Sweet cherry pie" (awww, so sweet!)

This is the really cutest and quaintest part: " Oh yeah / She's my cherry pie / Put a smile on your face / Ten miles wide /Looks so good / Bring a tear to your eye /Sweet cherry pie" These dirty ol rockers sang about ten-mile wide smiles. Even though done in a sexual context - this marks the last time smiles were sung about outside of children's television or The Polyphonic Spree.

In case this is not vanilla enough, the model featured in the video is Rocker video supermodel Bobbi Brown, who would later became the wife of Warrant's lead singer, Jani Lane. (AWWW!) The only sexy part of this story is that their names suggest some gender switching, experimentation, and/or confusion. (I should add that some research into the photo archives under "classic" on Warrant's official site do reinforce their image as appropriately dirty bad boys as evidenced by the following promo pictures.)

There is a great deal of talk about swinging, a full verse of swinging: "Well, Swingin' on the front porch / Swingin' on the lawn/ Swingin' where we want / Cause there ain't nobody home / Swingin' to the left / And swingin' to the right / If I think about baseball /I'll swing all night, yeah(yeah, yeah)"

And yet more swinging: "Swingin' in the living room / Swingin' in the kitchen / Most folks don't / Cause they're too busy bitchin'/Swingin' in there...." which even if you substitute mentally with "Screwing" or "Effing", just makes the listener happy not to be subjected to annoying bleeps.

Though very tacky, (a PIECE of CHERRY PIE falls into the model's lap- WINK WINK, NUDGE NUDGE) this song and video is shockingly mild today and says a great deal about 1980's censorship trends which true to form still censor "sexual" content over violence, a divide which has grown ever more riduculous and troubling with movie rating systems and the dead bodies on the 6 o'clock news. You may be shocked to know that even after more band members than Spinal Tap, this band is still around in some form with 11 albums and in 2006 released an album "Born Again", (thanks, Wikipedia!). That Warrants a pat on the back!

3 Things

2006-06-08T17:08:00.000-04:00

1) I am rapidly falling out of love with B L O G G E R.... maybe you share my pain lately?

2) I have not been able to post lately due to reasons related to above note

3) We are going to see Radiohead tonight after all (!!!!!!!!!!!), via some tickets I purchased from a site on the web, however I have been too afraid of jinxing it and paranoid about their validity for one month and afraid to say anything. Don't let me down Baby Jeez.

Tomorrow, with luck from the blog gods this page will return with new words, pics and a non- Tom Cruise banner!

XO ---J

The Brat Pack 2006

2006-06-05T19:30:00.000-04:00

The Brat Pack. None of us raised on John Hughes films can ever forget them. I think they even have taken over some of my real, lesser memories. In the days of scandal and tabloid and obessively outing everyone in Hollywood, we don't have a Brat Pack to fill the void left, for better or for worse, by Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, and dear Molly Ringwald. But if we did, who would be the Brat Pack of today?

Using my own pseudo-scientific assessment of key 80's players and John Hughes film stars that became iconic, however briefly, in their time and roles, here are the results. (Of course, I have to largely ignore the scandal makers of today, as they are famous for nothing, not even Judd Nelson's caliber of work...)

Molly Ringwald - Lindsey Lohan but I prefer Rachel McAdams
Rob Lowe - Brad Pitt (Lowe once was THE star, teen fans, scandal, love life )
Judd Nelson - Colin Farrell
Emilio Estevez - Paul Walker
Demi Moore - Demi Moore
(Fringe player who somehow emerged as the bigger star: Celeb dropout who has emerged as a fringe player)
Ally Sheedy - Christina Ricci (Intense, sometimes scary actress)
Anthony Michael Hall - Frankie Muniz?
Lovable nerd turned, inexplicably, roiding bully (Need to see if act 2, roiding bully in Edward Scissorhands type roles emerge)
Matt Dillon - Maybe a combo of Ben Afflect and Matt Damon, or their love child
John Cusack - Edward Norton
Matthew Broderick- No one can touch Ferris
Patrick Swayze- ??

This is all so depressing. As bad as some of these actors were, the men were such men compared to what we have now. When I cannot think of an actor who encompasses the big brother spirit of Swayze in Outsiders, and the hero of Dirty Dancing, or a modern star as manly as Swayze, who was known to dance and wear dance pants, there is something awry with the world. Swayze, Hollywood needs you darling.

Rob Lowe was the first boy I ever discovered. Though I would rather enjoy his memory than his current work, I just went down memory lane on those fan pics. I think I had this poster above on my wall.

I am sure some of you can dispute / improve upon this list....it was really much harder/ less funny than I thought and somewhat depressing. There is nothing more superficially depressing than pining for Judd or Ally.

Quote of the Day

2006-06-04T15:40:00.000-04:00

Quote of the Day:

"I'm just jealous. I've worked so hard - I had to have a body of work to get that famous!" " - Lionel Ritchie, with the filter off regarding his adopted daughter Nicole Ritchie's fame /infamy.
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Picture of the Day:

And from my Archives, actually a history textbook, I found this odd protest picture. Please note that this lovely Canadian protester is actually quite preoccupied with brushing her hair in this shot. Weird, and was probably on the cover of The Toronto Star newspaper in it's day, not helping Canada's credibility one bit, except with Vidal Sassoon et al...

Actually I am supposed to be studying for a final exam, but as you can see I have my priorities as straight as my inspriring example of multi-tasking above, as well as paying tribute to my campaign for Afro 2007 with the lovely short cut Afro on Ritchie which clearly, clearly, he is rocking. To quote Michael K., he was seriously hot shit in the day. And it all ties together..

I think it's a safe bet that the carpet matches the drapes!

2006-06-04T15:19:00.000-04:00

Everything else does!

I really can't get over the 1970's. Even having lived through it as a young child. Is it any wonder over half of us grew up wanting to become interior designers, rearranging our rooms and those of our younger siblings? I think that children of the 1970's, to court a beloved stereotype, all had to become gay men, just a little bit, to cope. I would like to cover this picture with aluminum foil, young Augusten Burroughs style. I just started sweating and getting a rash when I saw after posting this that the subtle carpeting on the couch does match everything else. If I could stomach the visit this same carpeting covers the furniture in my H.S. student lounge. The horror.

The thing which concerns me is that while I know that those behind the nightmare of late 60's and 70's design were OD-ing on free, safe love and psychedelic drugs and music, a small voice in the back of my head wonders if my nice neutral living room will one day make me look back in horror too, in the same way we always look back at old hair and clothes pictures of ourselves and cringe, and always think we were stupider last year. Of course we will, because the retro-cannibalization and lack of new ideas among all design professionals means that some people at this moment are sitting on a new, expensive couch much like this from Todd Oldham at La-Z-Boy. Oh sure, the pattern's a little muted, and the room is minus the fern, along with the red "2" and little men (unless you are an Ikea addict). You probably aren't wearing a matching dress, because we all have become, at least, that much smarter. And that afro does not exist in today's world, although it's the one thing I would really love to see come back in style. My prediction for 2007: All hail the natural! (ONLY for those with naturally kinky hair, natch!)

Upcoming posts:
CANADA'S NEXT (HA HA) TOP MODEL/ Canada's "beauty experts"yes you may picture violent air quotes there
ANOTHER CREEPY TOM
THE BRAT PACK REVISITED
THOSE RESPONSIBLE FOR the ATROCITIES IN HOLLYWOOD FASHION (yes, they are ugly and strange) ARE SINGLED OUT
MAYBE EVEN SOMETHING NON-SUPERFICIAL OR REACTIONARY: like a review!

Image: NeatoRama, which really is full of neat stuff!

Fish Tales with a side of lies, please!

2006-06-02T23:56:00.000-04:00

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5" perch in my lake."

- George W. Bush, answering a German newspaper reporter who asked him to name the best moment of his five years as president.
(source: Time Magazine)

The title references the best laugh of the week, found at New & Used Records: Kevin Spacey as Neil Young. Not to be missed!

This real action figure refers to W's fondness for inappropriate military costumes, or as my dad might say, "get ups" , shown here when dolly landed on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, I think to declare he saved the world or something. It's certainly the closest he will get to Abe! I know this damn figure looks like George 1, perhaps the doll maker just used the same head, assuming it really didn't matter..

Britney Spears Poem of the Day

2006-06-02T23:53:00.000-04:00

"A meal, a shower and some ice cream,
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean!"

- Britney's honeymoon ode to Cletus Federline in better days

T-Shirt Quote of the Day

2006-06-02T15:19:00.000-04:00

I know there's something truly wrong about it but it feels so right. Who wants to buy me one?

I have to admire people who getting on the cash-in bandwagon so damn quick.

T-shirt from Golden Fiddle, and spotted at my obsession:DListed

Have a great weekend everyone!

Take a time trip to another world

2006-06-02T14:44:00.000-04:00

A world of 1972 decadence, of La Liz when she was still La Liz. A world of horrible fashion and home decor, which I had the unfortunate bad luck to be born into.

A world in which time, space, decadence, drugs, and dead animals all collided to make this remarkable artifact happen:

The caption reads: "Elizabeth Taylor and Raymond Vignale. Elizabeth, the most generous of souls, gave the white mink coat to Raymond, her major domo, as a Christmas gift. Gianni Bozzachi took this picture in Cortina d'Ampezzo."

Translated from Dominick Dunne-speak for those who aren't fluent in VanityFair: Elizabeth Taylor bought her main gay a matching outfit including a divine woman's mink coat.(Someone we don't care about took the pic somewhere exotic we can't afford to go to).. As the picture clearly shows, Raymond is over the moon to be posing with his queen in matching boots, slacks and the to-die-for fur.

Raymond's thought bubble: I CAN DIE NOW! SHE LOVES ME!

This picture is only the greatest in a series of Dunne's recollections of his time in the movie business in Hollywood "The Way We Lived Then: Recollections of a Name Dropper". I would be lying if I said I didn't study every one intently. I truly love that Dunne, who kept scrapbooks and tons of photos, was clearly too high/drunk/lazy back then to ever date any of the photos. This is the crown jewel of my local library's collection.

Celebrity Terror Alert : All Areas!

2006-06-02T11:42:00.000-04:00

When I posted the celebrity hair alert back in March, I thought it would be a regular monthly feature. But I became bored with the usual suspects - and Courtney Love and Britney Spears, who are looking like street sisters lately, are 1) at least trying 2) do not need another anonymous kick from an internet blogger. As far as fashion goes, it's getting so ridiculous that I will be drawing your attention to those to blame in a future post: the stylists and hair people who are complete freaks and clearly, have no education in their profession whom, if they posess a grade 11 education, let alone any specific training, would shock the hell outta me, based on results.

I should also add I have a rule about not making fun of people strictly about weight. It's such an easy, cheap joke and some people say, the last area of discrimination which is tolerated today. Today I bring you the exception to the rule:

Miss Kirsty Alley, as seen on Dlisted. As you may know because you were assaulted with the bombardment over 2005 and into 2006, Alley was THE spokesperson for Jenny Craig, a deal which was to resurrect her dead career and be spun into a tv show - "Fat Actress", some book, and national print and tv ads which are still airing in my neck of the woods. For Kirstie's sheer phoniness in exploiting the fat public and "fans??" for financial gain (and no one said $cienos were highly ethical, did they?) for these hair crimes she is displaying, and for deluding herself so effectively about her success that she is wearing YOGA PANTS or Juicy couture, plus a cap sleeve t-shirt that she she should return immediately to her daughter's closet, I present the Celebrity Terror Alert Winner in all areas.

Thank baby J that the picture is cropped, I fear deeply in my soul that what follows is the de rigeur summer California wear for Hwood lemmings - UGG boots. Even Torontonians know they are out!

Thanks an Effing lot, Kirstie. You made me break 2 rules. Well, it's not even that you are that fat, it's that you are scary and your head looks like it was grafted onto another person's chin. In fact, you could motivate fat people because clearly, you are feeling pretty hot about yourself. As long as your brows are done, things are A-OK. The second rule is I do not normally use paparazzi pictures. But I consider it a public service issue in this case. People who are considering diet plans should look at paps pics of these stars for the truth! Honestly she looked better with the weight than this mess.

Not that I would be this cruel, but if I was I would ask who of the three pics is hotter? I say Fat Bastard.

The tempramental blog gods made it difficult to get this post up today, necessitating hours of swearing and net surfing instead of studying for my final exam. I blame you, Kirstie Alley. I blame you.

200 posts! / Cruiseazy Religious ramblings

2006-05-31T22:21:00.000-04:00

I heart Madonna, but this is DAMN silly

Can you believe I have surpassed 200 posts? Well anyone who knows me knows I can't keep my mouth shut. I like to think that this outlet has made my family and friend gatherings more enjoyable and our conversations more balanced. But damn if I can rid myself of the Cruiseazy curse even with this blog. Which reminds me: Where the HELL is Suri? Is she already hard at work at $cientology courses?

I have deliberately ignored discussing the Da Vinci code. Hanks' semi-mullet was all that piqued my interest so many months ago. I admit I read the book, reluctantly, as another reviewer said better: anytime people who never read books are reading a book, I avoid it. I did enjoy it, though it did tend to ramble. I admired the creativity of the riddle and the free art education (I read the illustrated version, thank Opus Dei), but I have little interest in the movie. Certainly I will sit and watch it in my own home someday, but not in public. Time magazine had an interesting if not nearly controversial enough cover story on Opus Dei recently, with pictures of the only thing I am really intrigued / repulsed to see in the film. The discipline ( a cotton mini whip for self -flagellation) and the sharp Cilice, "A spiked chain that some members strap to their upper thigh for two hours a day as an act of penance".

I am fairly certain that my notorious strange dull yet evil eyed old neighbour upstairs is engaging in one of those practices while I write, and for that matter, does so on a nightly basis at this time. There is a regular thud that sounds like a body hitting the floor which if he's not murdering people might be his own after he reaches spiritual nirvana. Well I am mixing my world religions but you get my point.

I heard that the lovely and talented Audrey Tatou is utterly wasted in The Davinci Code film. If you remember, the character of Sophie in the book played by Tatou was a friggen genius cop/ cryptologist who had quite a bit to do with solving the puzzle. From what I read she gets little to do in the film and is used to look pretty and distract from Tom. This supports my personal belief that Hanks is not the nice-y nice "sane Tom" in Hollywood that some out there love, but a line counting, determined to take parts that are written so that he can always stay overweight, hair losing obsessed, egomaniac. Blah!

Has anyone seen the film and care to weigh in?

No word on if Madonna's latest stage costume/props are yet another day late and dollar short attempt to highjack popular culture (shock), with her cilice type tiara. I guess she's made the rounds of most major and obscure religions and has come full circle back to poking the stick at her old nemesis, the Catholic church.

Madonna pics: Fourfour

50 Books in 2006

2006-05-30T22:58:00.000-04:00

It only fits the context of this blog up to a point, since my love of books is rarely a cause for snark: my usual tone here. But since it's an important part of my life and something I love to talk about, I will repost my book list here for anyone who is interested. Though a few of these were read for a course, I included only those which I would have read ordinarily (i.e. Ondaatje).

The book list will be added to my sidebar links and later updates will be added there. I will post some reviews of my favorites at some point.

1. The Hours - Michael Cunningham
2. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
3. Dry - Augusten Burroughs
4. Magical Thinking - Augusten Burroughs
5. The Way The Crow Flies - Anne Marie MacDonald
6. America The Book - Jon Stewart
7. Souvenier of Canada - Douglas Coupland
8. Who Has Seen The Wind - W.O. Mitchell
9. Down To This - Shaunessey Bishop-Stall
10. Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran Foer
11. Starlight Tour - Susanne Reber
12. Grizzly Maze - Timothy Treadwell's fatal obsession with Alaskan Bears - Nick Jans
12. In the Skin of a Lion - Michael Ondaatjte
13. Three Day Road - Joseph Boyden
14. Starlight Tour - Susanne Reber
15. The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver
16. In A Sunburned Country - Bill Bryson
17. Strange Things - Margaret Atwood
18. A Room Of One's Own - Virginia Woolf
19. Reversible Errors - Scott Turow

The four books pictured are highly recommended reading. Reviews to follow.

I should add that many of my book recommendations (and deep discounts) come from my sister Steph and her partner Gary at Speak Volumes books. Thank you both, I have benefitted from your experience.

Stage To Screen - Not So Much

2006-05-30T13:21:00.000-04:00

After hearing all the hype about the Broadway run of the Producers I thought it was something I was missing out on (of course there is hype and there is hype- which sources to trust?). I never made it and finally caught it on DVD. The impression I am left with is that I am glad I only spent $5.00 for the rental rather than $100 per ticket to see the show live, but I am left wondering: can any musical film ever do a Broadway show justice? Clearly these films are made for the masses who cannot or will not travel to New York - many of whom on the other hand, don't give a shit about Broadway musicals, which is one reason why the filmic versions tend to semi-flop.

It seems to me that there is something slightly embarrassing and uncomfortable about trying to fit the experience of a musical into my living room television. With the person I live with in another room, I am constantly turning the volume down, knowing that as cringeworthy the scenery chewing is to me, the viewer, to an outsider it's downright torture. Nathan Lane is probably a delight on Broadway. His personality is huge and he clearly works hard for the laugh (while the absence of an audience laughing at the right moments adds to my discomfort) , but it seems unlikely that Lane, who has been a stage, film, and tv actor, can ever dial it down for film again after his Broadway successes. I cannot imagine how hard it is to play something on stage for a run and then try to recreate for the very different medium of film, probably near impossible. But this knowledge makes the experience no easier for the viewer.

The hilarious 1988 film Dirty Rotten Scoundrels with Michael Caine and Steve Martin was very successfully made into a Broadway show starring John Lithgow, which I saw in 2005. The musical was big, over the top, most of the scenery was chewed right through, and it was perfect. With film to Broadway there is nothing too big, too broad or too bright, but the great age of film musicals, despite numerous attempts recently, is still more or less dead and it's always awkward to see someone break into song. (Chicago was a rare exception). Maybe we have just begun to equate such scenes with sketch comedy in the age of SCTV and SNL and can no longer appreciate semi-sincere dance numbers symbolizing emotions or character development.
The journey of The Producers from a fringe 1968 Mel Brooks film to a Broadway smash 30 years later and back to film is an intriguing one. The premise is still pretty funny and shocking as it's meant to be: Two producers conspire to make a sure-fire flop in order to fleece their investors of two million dollars. The meant to fail musical, Springtime for Hitler, is penned by the reliably hilarious Will Ferrell as a screwball Nazi, if you can imagine. Ferrell, as usual, steals the show and is on a well executed career trajectory post SNL. The other stand out is Roger Bart, fast becoming my favorite over-the-top gay performer (Desperate Housewives, The Stepford Wives). The hilarious Bart rocks a late 1960's Liza Minelli shag that would do Liza proud. The "Keep It Gay" number, a highlight was one of the rare moments of joy in this film.
(left) Roger Bart keepin' it fabulous

I will keep trying, but The Muppet Movie is the only musical that seems well suited to my 36 inch screen.

Rating: The Producers film: 6/10

AT THIS POINT

2006-05-29T18:04:00.000-04:00

IN THE SUPERFICIAL SPACE / TIME CONTINUUM

NAMIBIA: A star is born: genetic and financial lottery winner Shiloh Nouvel Jolie - Pitt; Maddox plots revenge as he will now likely always have touch his feet to the dirty ground. Internet bloggers add an S to acronym "BAMZ".

L.A.: Jennifer Aniston retaliates to the endless comparisons of her ex-husband's new life vs. her own by adding someting to her litany of 'don't feel sorry for me/don't forget me either people' mantra : she's brought out the big guns: killer legs. (And her new go-everywhere uniform. Hey it works, and draws the eye downward, if you know what I mean.) (pics: BOSH)

L.A.: Britney Spears fans, family, media, and the public who wants K-Fed to disappear from our conciousness cross fingers that Brit will take a shine to her new "Manny". He looks like a nice guy, especially by comparison. Mothers everywhere, fully aware that it's none of their damb business, cross fingers for same, for sake of the children. (pic: Pink is the New Blog) (Pictured: Britney and her Manny along with SPF)

L.A.: Gwen and Gavin had a baby too. Will Kingston recognize his mommy without lipstick?

Some beach: Dully offensive (would old nasty bruise be appropriate?) Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, the Simpson sisters, and disappearing Nicole Richie's combined neuroses and tabloid scandals fills the scandal/trainwreck void left by Michael Jackson who himself has recently threatened to move to U.K. from Bahrain. (pic: dlisted- and I don't know what that bulge is and I don't want to know)

L.A.: Bitter ex-wives ex-bffs b/c list stars Heather Locklear and Denise Richards fight over the tabloid crumbs.

LINK: A pretty funny satirical editorial written to Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt (National Ledger)

Cultural Oddites/ Favorite places part 2

2006-05-29T14:50:00.000-04:00

Toronto’s Casa Loma, Spanish for House on the Hill, was designed as a monument to the wealth and accomplishments of its owner, Sir Henry Pellatt. Its intended use was to entertain British royalty and symbolize Pellatt’s own expected place in history. Ironically, Pellatt lost the castle in 1923 to bankruptcy when it became a figurative ward of the state. Operations were assumed by non-profit Kiwanis Club, (when it initially faced demolition) and re-purposed as a tourist attraction in order to earn its upkeep. Over the last 60 years, Casa Loma has evolved into a unique Canadian tourist destination; host to Hollywood film productions; the setting of costly dream weddings; and a place for school children to explore; and thus, via revenues, has become a contributor to social causes supported by the Kiwanis Club. In this way, Casa Loma is a social contributor; conversely, it remains an expensive social project. In 2005, much needed government funded repairs to the exterior crumbling structure (to cost $20-Million over ten years) got underway, signaling that the castle is here to stay. Designated historically significant by the province, the castle is mostly a commercial venue in a pretty, historical shell.
The construction of Casa Loma at a cost of $3.5-Million ($60-Million today) had little to do with trends in Canada at any period of history, except perhaps to surpass them, and was more relative to a desire to emulate the European castles of old and to compete with the American castles being built around the same time such as G. W. Vanderbilt’s Biltmore (1895). Noted architect E.J. Lennox, who also designed Old City Hall and The King Edward Hotel among other Toronto landmarks, designed Casa Loma. Pellatt entertained Toronto high society and military peers, but never realized his dream to entertain British royalty in the dedicated Windsor Suite. The castle itself is beautiful and timeless, as the exterior structure and principal rooms were made of the best materials.
The Pellatts were regular contributors to St. John's Ambulance, the Royal Ontario Museum, the Victorian Order of Nurses, the University of Toronto and Grace Hospital. A notable aspect of the Pellatt’s social efforts was that Casa Loma itself would becomethe recipient of social assistance after Pellatt lost his fortune due to speculation in western Canada and was forced to give up the Castle in 1923. The city leased the castle in 1937 to the Kiwanis Club, a non-profit that that benefits children’s, senior citizens, and mental health organizations, among others. Rehabilitated into a contributing member of society, one which contributes financially to social and charitable causes via commercial dollars, Casa Loma is a socially valuable and strangely diplomatic castle, which serves its masters better than its image or history. Possibly there was no financial opportunity or perceived need to properly articulate the castle’s potential as a real museum or art gallery.

Approximately 400,000 visitors see the castle annually for an estimated $1-million in ticket sales. More profit is generated by wedding receptions held in the main floor principal rooms, (the library, dining room and conservatory) at a base cost of $2000 for an evening’s rental of space. Film and television productions and other commercial uses bring in large revenues. In both its first life and in recent years, those who can afford to,buy its charms and enjoy the castle most. These days, though, it’s by the day or the hour.
But what is Casa Loma to Canadians? A wonderful place for schoolchildren to visit and dream about, the same local child returning as an adult may wonder why the same unrestored parts of the castle off limits 20 years ago are still closed today. Those with affection for the place may be pleased to see construction around the castle, but this tends to interfere with the fantasy. Regular visitors read a sign in the library informing that the principal rooms are kept unfurnished for the convenience of the frequent private event customers (a helpful picture depicts it furnished). The true historical offerings are mainly in the walls and structure themselves, as the original furnishings were sold at auction and only a few ever recovered. Visitor education is limited to facts, firsts, and a litany of Pellatt’s wasted dollars, as if to suggest this man was most un-Canadian. It is difficult to learn much about the owners and this castle beyond the official information, though it would be exciting to see it within a true historical context of their time. Those who love Casa Loma must love it despite its flaws and see through the cracks to the raw beauty.
Casa Loma’s beautiful uniqueness, part of a landscape of Toronto’s most expensive homes in Forest Hill, is still a striking oddity out of time, out of place and reality, but belongs to Canadians and is fixed in the minds of visitors from around the world as a special Canadian landmark. Through its own enduring beauty, commercial value, city investment, and Kiwanis Club efforts and fundraising, Casa Loma endures as a Canadian Cultural Institution. The castle spent only ten years as a private home and sixty as a servant to several public purposes, and it shows. In many ways the castle has become a façade, a stage, and one that survives between commercial and genuine historical value, with economics dictating favour to the former, perhaps at the expense of the latter.

Films that were shot at Casa Loma:
X-Men - Casa Loma was used as a major location representing the Professor Xavier School for gifted youngsters
Chicago
Cocktail....and many others

Gorgeous Casa Loma pictures courtesy: David MacIntyre

The World's Most Beautiful Baby is Born!

2006-05-29T14:23:00.000-04:00

In this fictional family portrait from W magazine that had tongues wagging (and not about BP.s art direction though it was worthy of note), we saw the most beautiful family in the world foreshadowed. Not pictured: Maddox and Zahara.

As I am the last to report, Shiloh Jolie - Pitt was born early Sunday morning.

As reported by New York Daily News:

Jolie, 30, adopted two children, Maddox from Cambodia in 2002 and Zahara from Ethiopia last year. Both children's surnames were legally changed to Jolie-Pitt after Pitt announced his intentions to adopt them also.

The couple has reportedly sold rights to the first baby pictures for $5 million to an unnamed American magazine, with the cash going to UNICEF.

I for one love that she works the media to her advantage and to benefit causes she supports. Even if it's just as manipulative as all the other celebs, it raises the profile of charitable causes and something good comes out of all this false idol worship we all engage in. Congrats to the family, the Namibian tourist industry and Congrats to Unicef!

I bet King of the world Maddox is pitching a major fit right now. It's not going to be pretty.

Strongly Worded Letters

2006-05-26T10:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Vanity Fair / Graydon Carter,

A long time reader, I now submit my first letter, which alas, brings both praise and criticism.

I was thoroughly engrossed in the excerpt from Anderson Cooper's new book which discussed his first-hand account in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and his family's personal tragedy.
I was struck by Cooper's ability to cut through the political spin regarding "The Blame Game"; he succinctly states "Demanding accountability is no game".
Flipping one page: VF's recent increasing confusion between celebrity worship and journalism, which centers on praising/slapping tabloid stars named Hilton, Lohan, Aniston, Jolie on a monthly cycle (with the love going to whoever is this month's feature), has reached a new low.The feature on Nicole Richie, "I know I'm Too Thin" includes interviews with her doctor and some serious discussion of anorexia manages to include some really wonderful looking pictures of Richie which demonstrate the full powers of your photoshop editors. She looks great, so healthy, I want to have what she's having (or denying) and I am over 30, so think of the effect on that elusive demographic you are desperately chasing. While it's true that there is no hiding Richie has the arms and legs of a 10 year old boy at the moment, your editors have given her a healthy glow and airbrushed any sharp edges we know are there. You give equal time to the giggly viewpoint that Richie's stylist is "single-handedly bringing anorexia back".
OMG, it's in, everyone, get yours.
Flipping back to Anderson Cooper " If no one is held accountable for their decisions, all of this will happen again." - Jacqueline H., Toronto, Canada

Nicole Richie styled in Polo Ralph Lauren boys wear.

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Quote of the Day:

" A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."

- The Endlessly Quotable Oscar Wilde

Showing My Ignorance

2006-05-26T09:38:00.000-04:00

In the May 1st issue of New York magazine, "Brooklyn Style" , a fine art, craft, and designer movement in Brooklyn is featured. I like to think I have fairly good to above average untrained designer sensibilities and good taste: shoestring budget variety. I get that Ikea sells very cheap knock offs of very elaboratly constructed, inspired, expensive designs. But can one of you with a better understanding of art or a degree in art explain to me why these items are not just an Eff you/ joke / a quick way to pay back the artisan's student loans or insane NYC rent/ etc?

1) (above) This is kind of a genius idea actually. I wish I thought of it. However it only strikes one as a novelty when you are a great deal of time and financial, geographical and emotional distance away from living with actual furniture like this. I still don't know who would buy this, however. Jason Miller, from $5,000.

2) Buddhism, zen, handcrafted wood, I get it. But $17,000? Is NYC's $17,000 just a regular city's $2-4,000? It is beautiful, but I can't tell:I hope to Job it's not a coffee table!
Designer: Eric Manigian.
Go Brooklyn! When I visit in September I will pick up whatever treasures I can find for under $100.....

Everything I ever needed to know...

2006-05-26T01:41:00.000-04:00

....I learned from Tyra Banks

(above left- Tyra's eyes not smiling. Right, smiling. See the difference? Fierceness!)

Now readers and friends may know that I harbour a deep and undying love for America's Next Top Model, violating all my self-imposed TV rules and reality show ethics for this one exception. This post will serve as my farewell to ANTM for the season, so those of you who have no interest can rest assured this is not going to become a Ty-Ty baby page.

I predict this show will grow in momentum and insanity over the years to rival the horrific popularity of The Amazing Race (cause of anxiety attacks in me), Big Brother, and that little singing show.

Tyra Banks, former "supermodel" (Victoria's Secret) and now mini mogul's career arc can be described in her changing production company names. On cycle 3, it was Ty Ty Baby (with a baby giggle sound effect) and by cycle 4, it was Bankable productions (with a clanging vault or jail trapping her fake, fake, hair) . Yes, we followers live our lives in ANTM cycles now, like a new pagan religion.

While selling an ideal of beauty that is fairly dangerous, Tyra as executive and star has let herself get a little round, or normal as we call it in the real world. This is nice to see. The contradiction is pure Tyra.

Somewhere along the line from Ty-Ty to Bankable, she decided that the reality show was not enough to seal her place as Top Model Authority, and began dispensing advice, along with examples from her limitless range, usually to contestants (inmates) on the way out, at judging. Why coach them in your infinite wisdom when you can show them up while showing them the door?

Just when I thought there was very little I could learn from TV, I discovered twirling, the ballet twirl, smiling with my eyes, and that every girl needs a signature walk. And that includes you boys too. I have yet to find a practical application for my moves but I can tell you these things helped to pass a rainy and cold weekend when my friends Jeff Tara and I were suffering with Cabin Fever! (Honourable mention to Dave)

Tyra leads by example:
"Top Model's gotta speak, not just look pretty."

Tyra gives clear and concise feedback, like that Dilbertesque like boss you love to hate:
"Nnnenna, you started this competition at the top of the pack. You had that it thing. But that it thing is fading."

Tyra speaks from the heart, she isn't even scripted! Let's hope..
"America's Next Top Model is not just about beauty. It's a journey of transformation and our winners have transformed into working models that are working."

She invokes her momma, undoubtedly the only woman whose judgement equals her own:
"There's one thing that my mother doesn't like. When she's telling somebody something and they go (quickly nods) 'OK,' (quickly nods) 'OK,' (quickly nods) 'OK.' It's defensive and you do it every single week. And it's not likeable. And you're a sweet girl." (This to a girl who nodded and said ok in response to judging critique).

(Tyra acting/spokesmodeling at elimanation. A lesson they could have used YESTERDAY!)

The best thing about Tyra and this show is she is so damn sure of herself that I get taken in, everytime, smiling, nodding and taking mental notes. My friends may think I am high, but I am smiling with my eyes! It really does look freaky to stick my chin out for a picture, but when I did it, the pic came out slightly, ever so slightly fierce. It's never too late to start. Add to my imaginary status as undiscovered Celebutant that of Supermodel in my own mind! It feels fabulous...

All pictures and memory jogging exact quotes courtesy of Four Four

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I have not been up to speed on blogging this week as I have been under the weather. Normal posting (and visits to blog mates) should resume tomorrow. Thanks to all who have stopped by!

64 Million Votes!

2006-05-24T22:12:00.000-04:00

America has chosen their winner: Don't read if you haven't watched yet! You missed what looked like an awards show, Miss America pageant, post disaster tribute, and the Idols of Christmas past, all in one. And this was all in the 20 minutes I watched in the interest of pop culture zeitgeist research.

And a big fat cheer goes up among prematurely grey men!

Without irony, Seacrest informed viewers that there were 64 million votes, more than cast for the American president (both voting processes have had whiffs of scandal previously....).

Prince performed, as wrong as it is to see an eternally respected musical original up there, he's still got it and it was a good performance. Love how he wasn't letting any of the contestents near his performance however.

Hasselhoff sighting! He was right into it.

The final duet "The Dirty Dancing Theme" sounded pretty good.

I sulk away bitterly over the fact that AI had a 2 hour gala finale and America's Next Top Model, only 1 hour. How I am I going to live without Tyra's words to live by, the J's, and twirling?

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My Super Ex-girlfriend - upcoming films

2006-05-23T23:18:00.000-04:00

What do we think of this movie?
My Super Ex-girlfriend

Plot outline: When a regular guy (Luke Wilson) dumps a superhero (Uma Thurman) because of her neediness, she uses her powers to make his life a living hell.
Opens July 21st

As Thurman told USA TODAY "I'm playing a grouchy superhero -- a woman scorned," said Thurman, "I've always wanted to do a comedy, and nobody ever let me. I've been banging down the door. I love to laugh. It saves my life on a daily basis."

I sort of want to like it. Even with her enormous man hands and feet, I want to like Uma, hell, I do like her. I definitely sided with her in the divorce from Ethan Hawke, whose marriage seemed to swallow their careers whole for a time.

Pros
· It has the ever-popular superhero theme going for it
· UMA
· Director Ivan Reitman – Old School, Ghostbusters
· Luke Wilson – He’s just so damn likable. Was the standout among a cast of veteran actors in The Family Stone
· Good supporting cast of comedic actors – Eddie Izzard, Anna Farris

Cons
· Invented/ non established superhero movies always die at the box office
It’s a rule that for success a superhero movie must have at least 30 years of comic history behind it, preferably 6 prior film or tv incarnations and 60 + years of history to indoctrinate people like this:
(superhero guy, simpsons)
· Director Ivan Reitman – Junior, Road Trip 2, Private Parts
· Marketers confused as usual: is it a chick-com? A romance? A comic movie..

Un-Fashion Notes

2006-05-23T23:03:00.000-04:00

Great News!

After 9 long months, the odius leggings craze is officially over. I know this because Old Navy is now screaming that it’s IN.

Old Navy is prominenty featuring leggings this season.The bad news..millions of old navy shoppers aged newborn to 99 will now be wearing these all summer, to the dismay of us all.

It was bad enough when controlled in the size 0 and below Hollywood breeding lab. Now it will be hell. If we can get through this summer, we will all be stronger for it! We are a bunch of Steel Magnolias….

Blogging about Blogging

2006-05-19T01:16:00.000-04:00

To rate our blogs by comments alone is to be disappointed, yet it's only natural to do so. When I am feeling low I take a trip to "successful" bloggers like Perez Hilton's page and read his comment strings. He has a very famous blog with wide readership and some celebrity of his own. He counts among his new friends the real Paris Hilton, which is where the trouble starts. Gossip Bloggers are 'supposed to' snark on everyone, but he praises and promotes Paris, (an unpopular view in the blog world, to say the least) . His reader comments contain an equal amount of virulent bile towards him as genuine feedback, with a fair number of trolls of all stripes. It's really, really ugly, and the comments are admittedly funny in an ugly way. I have noticed that Perez has a habit of targeting and outing certain celebs as gay, and like most of his content it is not humourous but nasty. (I don't approve of outing). There seems to be little joy in what he does and the page is not funny anymore. Perez is known to blog from a popular coffee shop in L.A. which he refers to as "the office" while naming the place. A sample reader comment was "Why do you need to explain it each time and still call it the office? You're stupid etc." also, there are frequent obvious spelling errors (i.e. in a title) which his daily readers never fail to spell check him on. It's a not even so fine line between humour and hate which I hope I stay on the right side of, as my blog friends and favorites do so well. I know that a handful of intelligent comments is much more valuable than what passes for success elsewhere.

(Pictured: Paris and "Perez")

I don't link to Perez, but he's easy to find.

God Save The Queen...

2006-05-19T00:24:00.000-04:00

I am off for an extra long weekend with some great friends - the holiday which we know and love as in Canada as May 24, which conjures up our true Canadian institution "The Two-Four" (above). It's named for good old Queen Victoria's birthday who ruled Britain over 100 years ago. Her biography, though thorough to a fault on Wikipedia, is hella boring. I didn't find any good gossip about her in my 2 minute search.

“The important thing is not what they think of me, but what I think of them.” - Queen Victoria

(That's going to be my attitude this weekend.)

She's not much to look at so here is a much more colourful queen whom I love.

[someone is singing "I Will Always Love You" in the background]
Tommy: What do you think? Do you think love lasts forever?
Hedwig: No, but this song does.
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I will be off the grid so no blogging, but I will return on Tuesday with an update and will visit my favorite blogs then. Have a great weekend everyone!

Here's where we will be, with my little fella in his natural habitat.

Good News, for a change

2006-05-17T17:06:00.000-04:00

Have you noticed that my posts are getting bitchier and bitchier lately? And yet, it's not fun.I fear I am getting swallowed up by snark. So I searched the headlines for some good news to share. I will dilligently search the miserable headlines and include some nice news as often as I can find it on my regular posts.

GOOD NEWS FOR FLIGHT ATTENDANTS and FREQUENT FLIERS!

Study Finds Airline Cabin Pressure Does Not Cause Blood Clots

A new study appearing in the Journal of the American Medical Association by British researchers report that the culprit is not airplane cabin air pressure, as some have speculated. They suggest that the condition is caused by lack of movement.
So get up and get down fliers! Do a little boogie woogie during your flight. I am sure those lovely attendants will not have any objection.

Gollum is More Likable!

2006-05-17T16:42:00.000-04:00

I am sure there are pictures out there that better illustrate this point. But you know what? It makes me sick to look at/ for them. Pete Doherty, who I only know about from my friend's blogs and because of his U.K. tabloid fame because they love a hot mess, is finally reunited with who spawned him, which actually explains a lot:

The thing is, he reminds me of Gollum in both the CGI / Andy Serkis version and the animated film version of The Hobbit.

In that gross video still where he sprays an MTV video camera with his own toxic blood, his smug evil face looks very much like that first gollum pic. And by the way, I don't care if his band(s) have ever made a musical contribution, or are brilliant or whatever. I just pity them.

Celeb Bust Ups Are The New Exhaustion!

2006-05-17T12:50:00.000-04:00

Breaking news from the boring rich!
Paul and Heather to split.....

What do we think? I have to feel a bit bad for Sir Paul. From lifetime companion Linda to this. I knew she was a gold digger. Me and Stella, we knew.

As reported on ITV news:
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McCartney said: "By now you will have probably heard the unfortunate news that Heather and I are going our separate ways.

"It's been suggested that she married me for the money and there is not an ounce of truth in this.

"She is a very generous person who spends most of her time trying to help others in greater need than herself.

"All the work she does is unpaid so these stories are ridiculous and completely unfounded."

Heather could walk away with around £200 million of his £800 million fortune. Sir Paul is Britain's richest musician and made £48.5 million alone last year from record sales and his US tour.
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Am I correct in searching my memory banks that there was No prenup??
Does this mean Paul can go back to eating meat and wearing proper leather shoes again?
I love all my female sisters but why do I have the sense that this chick is a straight up B and insufferable nag and bore?

Updated to add:I love soft furry animals as much as the next pretentious celeb. But let's celebrate that Canada will now have to manage it's own seal affairs without these two clubbing us over the head with it. Har Har. Thanks Dave for inspiration!

Quote of the Day

2006-05-17T12:21:00.001-04:00

"We're the only band that kept the guts, and kept the excitement, and kept the belief, you know. We never sidetracked. We never went the way of the Clash, and never wanted to get into the discotheques that bad."

Joey Ramone

The Dixie Chicks as a symbol

2006-05-16T15:57:00.002-04:00

It’s all a little hazy now to remember that very difficult time 3 years ago when the world was still holding it’s breath after September 11th, 2001, the further attacks around the world and the U.S. had started war. What was funny? (Jon Stewart was allowed to joke, so was Letterman) What was ok? Who was allowed to comment? (not Bill Maher, who lost his TV gig over it.) The same outspokenness which garnered the Dixie Chicks a massive country music fan/radio/media backlash and death threats made a star of Toby Keith, who seemed to ride the wave of Uber-American right wing flag totin’ alpha male all the way to the bank.

Both right and left artists jumped on their respective bandwagons, with the mainstream public perhaps favoring the right of center, assuming it was safer to stand behind their leaders and those who sing about the U.S.A.

A great deal has changed several years on. The Dixie Chicks are speaking out again about the difficult times when they used the platform of music to speak politically against the President and the Iraq invasion. The new song and particularly the video for “Not Ready To Make Nice” are quite striking and moving in their candor and plainness, discussing the extreme reactions the band and in particular lead singer Natalie Maines received:

It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

With the continued protests from across the political spectrum and from those who do not even identify as political but rather humanist, the case of the Dixie Chicks backlash and the rise of Toby Keith might have had a very different outcome today. Keith’s dick swinging bravado anthem of two titles - “Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue (The Angry American) “ / And you’ll be sorry that you messed with / The U.S. of A. / `Cause we`ll put a boot in your ass / It`s the American way “now sounds like a joke song created for the deliciously cliché ridden intro for the Colbert Report – including references to eagles, liberty, flags, bells. (Is there a patriot’s dictionary?) “This American way, how’s it working for ya?” Dr. Phil might ask, to giggles from his audience. Re-emerging quieter, gentler, and speaking mostly though their music (which should satisfy some if that was the main criticism about the left), the more ladylike Chicks make their point loud and clear.

There are still at least two sides to the debate, two sides of the aisle, the culture and issues like war and how to govern demand it. In country music, rock, and even pop music the personal is now the political, to quote the motto of 70’s feminism. Nothing is more personal to music lovers than their music; it is the soundtrack to the movie starring ourselves, our consolation for heartbreak, our wedding anthems, and our modern form of religious ecstasy. While Dixie Chicks took the slings and sexist backlash for their words and attitudes, now the chorus includes mainstream, top selling boys like Green Day, and respected hip-hop artist Kanye West who don’t have to cross their legs or make nice, (quite the opposite) and as a result music fans from across the spectrum can and will join in the conversation and hopefully, lose their apathy.

Fashion Notes 2 - Can Emilio get in the game?

2006-05-16T15:57:00.000-04:00

Weird Fashion news....

Charlie Sheen’s bitter divorce saga is getting ugly. I took a break from wondering “ Where does Emilio Estevez stand on this whole thing? They used to be so tight. Why does Charlie get work and Emilio’s career flounders? Maybe he should have changed his name to Sheen too…” to notice that the divorce coverage has also gotten strange.

What’s very strange is that Charlie Sheen has taken time out of his busy schedule to get in that other popular celebrity game. Clothing designer.
Unlike the rest of them who usually market to their demographic, Sheen has put his name on a line of children’s clothing. "Sheen Kidz"

Just where did this idea germinate? It would make more sense if then-wife Denise Richards said “Here’s something we can do together that's more family friendly than some of your other alleged interests." But it’s Charlie, just Charlie.Surely there is money to be made from any celebrity venture with the recognizability of Sheen. But yet..

The press release on this went out in February, but nobody cared until the dirt started flying in the Sheen/ Richards marriage. You know I am jaded when I read the allegations and found this the weirdest part of the story.

Charlie, can you at least give Emilio a position as a sales rep or something, for old times sake?

TV Notes: Season and Series Finales

2006-05-15T20:09:00.000-04:00

Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer will be able to sit down, have a meal, shower and take care of other bodily needs on May 23rd.

Will & Grace: (series finale) May 18
Desperate Housewives: May 21
24: May 22
Alias: (series finale) May 22
House: May 23
Lost: May 24
That 70's Show:(series finale) limps off May 18th

This recent picture, if real, shows that Kiefer/Jack is really in need of a break.

Summer TV viewing:
Go play outside! Come in when the streetlights come on! At least go sit in movie theater.
For when you are sunburned:
Rock Star 2: Premieres July 5th, with Motley Crue's Tommy Lee, Gilby Clark from Guns n'Roses, and Jason Newstead (ex-Metallica a long time ago) are a new 'supergroup' looking for a singer. Do you have what it takes?

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He Said .....She Said
Quote of the Day

"Advertising is a racket, like the movies and the brokerage business. You cannot be honest without admitting that its constructive contribution to humanity is exactly minus zero. " F. Scott Fitzgerald

Quote of the Day

2006-05-15T09:59:00.000-04:00

" Love is the big booming beat which covers up the noise of hate. " - Comedian / activist Margaret Cho

Margaret Cho has a blog

Not in a Good Way!

2006-05-15T09:54:00.000-04:00

Rebecca Romijn ~~Stamos~~ usually can do no wrong when it comes to fashion. But you see Rebecca, the women in Marketing or Human Resources who dress like this do so because they have to try to forget they work in Marketing or Human Resources. True, you can wear anything you like as a celebrity, but that doesn't mean you should. It's enough to make me miss the horrifying formal short shorts menace of last year.

Fashion Notes #1

2006-05-15T09:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Wholesomewear,

I came across your website and was browsing your designs for women’s and girls’ swimwear. My you have some pretty colors there. I would probably steer clear of the black myself; I wouldn’t want to look like one of those Goths!

The blue/nightsong design is my favorite, but if only it were a little longer, I don’t like to show the knee. What about the fabric? Is it easy to swim in all that loose fabric? I guess we will get used to it.

I just have one question for you; I hope you can answer it for me. I have looked all over your webpage, and though I am no computer whiz, I must admit, I was not able to find the section for men and boys suits.

We don’t want our boys running around in tight fitting speedos, what if a sinful woman or goodness- a man looked at my son?

I look forward to the addition of men and boys wholesome wear suits to your line, and I hope you will take my suggestion. These jumpers can be easily adapted to men, think of a painter's suit. Even if boys wear board shorts I think it would nice if they had the spandex underlayer just to be safe, and maybe a vest on top, after all, nipples are nipples.

Yours in faith,
Jacquie

This is a bathing suit for " good christian women", above. Get yours now.

These are bathingsuits. Maybe if that Blossom lookalike in blue drowns in all that fabric it proves she's a witch. I am frankly shocked that all this black is tolerated. I think it's darksided. LINK

Happy Mother's Day

2006-05-14T13:16:00.000-04:00

Make sure to go out there and work it for Mother's day like Jordan, Harvey, and husband Peter. I know I will be.

Quote of the Week

2006-05-13T12:30:00.000-04:00

I read a lot of the David Blaine coverage this week, and it was blogged about all over by many whose turn of phrase I often envy. But the best laugh of my week was from fellow Toronto blogger The Two Scoops who started his post like this:

"I manage not to drown everyday, but I don't go around calling it magic."

Now he wants to try it again. Enough already. David Blaine, come out of the pool. Someone give this man the childhood hugs he is missing please. This pretentious tattoo and pic of Blaine is wearing down my patience.

As I See It

2006-05-13T12:11:00.000-04:00

I am in therapy now to try and stop obsessing / hating our friend Tom. Part of my therapy includes not seeing M:I:111, and not returning his calls via his older movies. As Hank Stuever of the Washington Post says "Cruise's constant arrogance and unhinged-ness, would lead me to recommend to any friend that she (or he) just stop thinking about the guy already and dump him. Just let go." I know Stuever is right, it's time to make this blog, my heart, and my family gatherings a no fly zone for maverick. CTC's will to get all any any attention had me captivated like a devoted cult member for the past year.

So here is my parting gift to you and to me: As I See It.
I found this strange sepia toned boobie picture of Tom, he looks really pretty and supermodelish. It reminded me of Cindy Crawford in her Herb Ritts period.

Upon reflection it's nice to see him calm and with his mouth closed. Those were the days.

Friday's Most Excellent Timewasters

2006-05-12T14:36:00.000-04:00

If you remember it, you must love it. If you love cats you will love it. Without further ado, Artifacts presents a wonderful mid 80's SNL treasure:

Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car.

LINK:TOONCES!!!!

Or, just watch my new sidebar gif for a while.

Ripped From the Headlines

2006-05-12T12:21:00.001-04:00

This headline is just begging for a really obvious Keith Richards joke:

"Keith Discharged, Damage-Free" E! Online

While it is very good news for Richards and his family that he is on the mend, the title suggests much more.

They must have given him a new body they harvested somewhere.

Keith had fallen out of a tree on vacation.
Source

Quote of the Day

2006-05-12T12:21:00.000-04:00

"I think that the online world has actually brought books back. People are reading because they're reading the damn screen. That's more reading than people used to do. " - Our Beloved Bill Murray

10 Second Film Analysis

2006-05-12T12:20:00.001-04:00

The Devil Wears Prada: Starring Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway.

This enjoyable if not classic chick-lit book may turn into a fine film with Meryl Streep as the devil of the title (rumoured to be based on Vogue's editor Anna Wintour), which is based upon the ugly world of the fashion magazine business. It is usually a treat to see one of film's greats play someone truly evil. This film will not break any records but should be a good time for girls and fashionistas of all ages. Opens June 30th.

TV Sucks but

2006-05-12T12:20:00.000-04:00

But for those who want to know:
American Idol News

E! Online is reporting:
"The group Fuel is offering Chris Daughtry a job as lead singer after former frontman Brett Scallions quit in February. Daughtry not leaping at the offer just yet--maybe he's holding out for an offer from a band that's actually had a hit within the past five years."

"Online betting site PinnacleSports.com predicted he would be the winner, while ScreenSavers.com revealed his mug was downloaded to fan computers five times more often than those of his fellow contestants.

But, apparently, people were too busy downloading and placing bets on the odds-on favorite to take the time to call in the votes needed to keep him on the show. "

It seems to me that shock factor is becoming an essential component for all reality shows, even those selected by judges or call in / text votes. (The voting for these shows have been repeatedly called into question.) I think the goals of TV producers have little to do with the purported reason for the competition, any actual talent, or viewer choice. Shock and ratings.

Not In A Good Way!

2006-05-12T12:06:00.000-04:00

Then as now- The Tutu: A sure fire way for grown up girls to get noticed. But not in a good way.

Look at Mee!! 2000

Lara Flynn Boyle

Look at Meee!! 2006

Ashleeeee Simpson

The Rare Snark-Free Zone!

2006-05-11T15:37:00.000-04:00

Felicity (Keri Russell) survived working with you know who in M:I:III and looks great! Maybe it's the same feeling as winning the lottery.

For $1000.......

2006-05-11T14:02:00.000-04:00

Who would you be less afraid to touch without sanitizer?
Although it can be very deceiving, I'll go with Foxx. He looks cleaner.

Colin Farrell and Jamie "Ray" Foxx, method acting in Miami Vice, Farrell's next bomb??
For authenticity, the boys reportedly got down and very dirty (together, but not together) partying in LA, enough to require drying out.
Farrell gives me the WILLIES in this picture. What's with the Orange fake tan, Greezy hair and biker stach? I think the look was just an excuse to look and treat himself like shit. Didn't he read the Hollywood memo? Only John Travolta and Tom Hanks are allowed to get fat and oogly.
It's enough to make us miss Don Johnson!
Photo: Entertainment Weekly.

Film: On Our Must See List:

2006-05-11T13:40:00.000-04:00

Artifacts Film:
ON THE LIST TO SEE:
You may have seen the recent tribute to Anthony Hopkins at the Golden Globe awards a few months back. During the well deserved tribute they showed clips from the Hopkins films most people have seen (Silence of the Lambs, Remains of the Day, The Edge) and repeated clips and references to a film called Magic which I had never heard of. Frankly, I was baffled, intruiged, and scared. It looked absolutely terrible (in my reality where awful = terrific fun), helped along by the fact that it was made in 1978 when most films/ hair/ clothes/lighting/sets looked wonderfully awful, and acting..... (think Columbo killer gueststar overacting). Timestamping this film forever, the second male lead is a ventriloquist's dummy. Sign me up.

Do you need to know anything more than Anthony Hopkins "mesmerizes" in a dual role - as - get this - a Ventriloqist named Corky and a homicidal dummy called Fats. It looks like the perfect movie for a lazy Sunday.

Entertainment Weekly rates the film a B+. Magic is now available on DVD.

Note: In researching which awards show that was, I saw Mr. Hopkins phenomenal filmography. Nothing to scoff at. I dare you to scoff. This man has worked! It looked like 100 films.
Sir Mr. Hopkins, as he will now be called, has written, directed, and stars in an upcoming feature: Slipstream. Good for him!

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Quote of the Day:

"I would let my kids watch this stuff way before I'd let them watch something like Full House that I think would make them stupid. " - Trey Parker (South Park)

HA haa haa.Haa Ha ha. Everyone should make this their desktop for the day. Here's to more marionette movies from Parker and Stone. Damn. (Kids: It's wrong to make fun of of larger people.)

Today's Picture:

2006-05-11T13:04:00.000-04:00

Dr Frasier Crane - "Goodnight, Seattle."

Doesn't Kelsey "Frasier 4 eva" Grammar look hot in the new XMen film? I laughed and laughed like a crazy Liza Minelli at the thought of them really not doing any prosthetics at all, just some fake hair and blue paint. That's what I call good casting! I really have nothing against Frasier, aside from his eerie good fortune to have a steady acting gig for 20 years, and I love these very natural, understated prosthetics. You watch, he'll try to say it was 8 hours of make up to save face.

X-Men: The Last Stand directed by Brett Ratner opens May 26th.

WTF!?!

2006-05-10T15:20:00.000-04:00

WTF, Bill Paxton?

Something strange-pseudo religious is going on with your career choices. Did Tiny Tom come over and rub his Yosemite Sam boots all over your couch
a la Rick James? On your new T.V. show- which will not be named - you participate in a lifestyle of so-called plural marriage (plural for men only, note) and you defend your show with all the B.S. of an experienced B.S.er.

Created and produced by 2 gay men who are partners in work and life, reportedly they are trying to compare this lifestyle with a statement on same-sex marriage. I think this comparison is insulting to gays, straights and my TV.If even the Mormons shun something, you know it has to be bad.

I thought this strange turn started with that piece of garbage movie "Frailty" which you starred in and directed. I know others love this movie, but to me it was ridden with gratutitous, casual violence and torture (neatly wrapped in an X-Files bow at the end). But on consideration I realize that your whole career trajectory has been playing freaks and memorable bad performances with a few 'lead/normal' roles to throw me off (Twister is one).
You were probably most memorable in your first roles. As the bullying older brother in Weird Science, where you perfected frat boy self loathing and offered your brother an ashtray sandwich or something, and in Alien where you uttered your most memorable line to date, memorable because it's the worst acting we have seen on screen in the last 27 years " We're on an EXPRESS TRAIN TO HELL! ...AND WE'RE GOIN DOWN!" I think it's fair to assume you caused the rest of the crew to die in that film with your acting.
It's tempting to watch your show just to yell at it and throw things at the screen. But I can't even enjoy that when even HBO is starting to go downhill. And you are a producer of this show.

Booo!Boo! Bill Paxton...

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Quote of the Day:

"I always admired Stanley Kubrick for the fact that he managed to beat the system somehow. I think he kind of had it all figured out. " - Director Joel Coen

AS I SEE IT....

2006-05-10T15:04:00.000-04:00

As I see it: An original work of wildcraft by Jacquie:

J.Simp has channelled the oompa-loompas from acid - laced "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory". I had a lot of fun doing the hair, it somehow came out like camo. Fitting, that.

Jessica Simpson went somewhere in public looking like this recently. Orange hair, orange skin, orange dress. It reminded me of the Oompa Loompas, Beta version. As always, a prime goal is to make one or both of my sisters laugh, we love us some oompa loompa. By the way, the only thing I retouched was her hair and eyebrows, the rest is, well not real but not enhanced by me.

Strangely though, since I am making fun, I think the darker colour is prettier on her. Not this shade, but something darker than her white, straw blonde.

Tyra has killed the word "fierce"

2006-05-10T15:02:00.000-04:00

Artifacts Tube:(T.V. sucks except...)

While the rest of the TV watching world is tuned into The Amazing Race and Lost, I will be lost in a trance of Tyra-isms
(America's Next Top Model), where I learn all my life lessons, and follow that up with Dateline's online predator sting operation. I must find out what happens with chat name pervs "Meat Rocket #8" and " Change For The Better 2005", the repeat offender.In short, a perfect night. Nobody call me from 8-10.

Not In A Good Way!

2006-05-09T08:10:00.000-04:00

Sad, little girls lost. Girls pimped out from a very young age who never had a childhood.

Pretty Baby 1978 .......................Pretty Baby 2005
Brooke Shields .............................Mary Kate Olsen

It's in the eyes.

Separated at CTU

2006-05-09T00:39:00.000-04:00

Crusty pal surfing the forest floor/ Crusty dirtbag Logan on "24"
After my last brilliant / underappreciated separated at birth feature, I don't know why I even bother. Could it be because this man is part snapping turtle, and I have a gift which cannot be supressed?

Arquette is the new Baldwin

2006-05-09T00:33:00.000-04:00

Films on TV - News : Damn, I don't know where she was for most of those years since Madonna stole Desperately Seeking Susan from under her, but Rosanna Arquette has become a filmmaker of note in recent years. Arquette's new film "All We Are Saying" interviews major music players about subjects like their inspiration and the state of the music industry. Like Arquette's first documentary, the riveting "Searching For Debra Winger", which tackles the questions facing women actors in Hollywood - and Winger's drop out at the height of her fame- this is an engaging film which plays like an overheard, riveting conversation among famous friends. Arquette's on screen likeability as an actress lends itself very well to her skills as a filmmaker / interviewer - Michael Moore but with grace and charm. In Canada "Saying" is playing on TMN, and in US it has played on Showtime and was featured at the Tribeca Film Festival. (Featured interviews: David Crosby, Mary J. Blige, Elvis Costello, Peter Gabriel, Debbie Harry, Chrissie Hynde, Joni Mitchell, Tom Petty, and Gwen Stefani, and more.)

Random Thoughts!

2006-05-09T00:32:00.000-04:00

I just realized, with utter joy and glee, that the band Evanescence seems to have fallen off the face of the earth. That's why the world has been so peaceful lately. A year or two ago, you could not escape them, even with a lobotomy (especially then.) Guess they were just another flash in the pan pop band in phony goth makeup. I much prefer Enrique's masterful song stylings than what emits from Amy Lee.

I was hoping for some truly awful fan art from google images, but we'll let the band speak for themselves. Even worse than their fan art.

OMG! SIX sets of devil horns! 666 The number of the beast. These guys are so dark. I wish they got picked up instead of Damien Echols. Dude is on Death Row for wearing a long black coat, and is from roughly the same shallow swampwater as these folks.

Books Are Your Friend

2006-05-09T00:26:00.000-04:00

Souvenir of Canada 1 & 2 - Douglas Coupland

Bona Fide Canadian treasure Douglas Coupland has achieved the mixed blessing of true Canadian success. He gets mistaken for an American. At a recent writers' forum in Europe Coupland was identified in the program as American. "You don't mind, do you?" They asked him. "Well, actually I do, because I am Canadian..." Likely Coupland knows this struggle as well as any Canadian personality. He is a writer of fiction, an essayist, social commentarian, a photographic artist and probably more to come, and Canadians are lucky that he has chosen to focus on our shared experience with these two books. I realized these books were wonderful when I found that they made an equally excellent choice of gift for a visiting American and a must read for Canadians. Part essay collection, part journal, part found art and photography from Coupland's own still life creations of Canadiana, the books delve into the little and big things that define us, one of which is our inferiority complex about and influence of the United States.

Photos copyright Douglas Coupland: Official Site

He Said...She Said

2006-05-09T00:23:00.000-04:00

Quote of the Day:

"Actors that have a lot of depth and soul get overlooked by Hollywood projects because they're edgier. And because they're ethnic. " - Director Darren Aronofsky

Artifact of the Day

2006-05-09T00:18:00.000-04:00

Today's Artifact:

Angela Bassett

The cross marketing in Starbucks confused me, but Angela Bassett explains it all for me in the May 5th edition of Entertainment Weekly "Everybody's got something to sell, you just have to be sure of what you're trying to sell." Bassett is a wonderful actor who could probably make putting up drywall look interesting. A truly graceful, intelligent and yes, fierce presence, I recommend you watch her kick some serious butt as Tina Turner in "What's Love Got To Do With It" (OSCAR=DENIED!!!) and "Strange Days", along with her upcoming turn as a spelling bee competitor's mother in "Akeelah and the Bee" something to look forward to. (Note: This film marks Bassett's third pairing with another solid actor: Lawrence Fishburne after Boyz N' the Hood and What's Love.) Akeelah and the Bee is in theatres now.
A recent review: HERE (photo credit - Entertainment Weekly)

Music bits - Ol' Big Nose Live!

2006-05-09T00:14:00.000-04:00

Billy Bragg Live at the Barbicon

Picked up this double album live set at the Billy Bragg show in April and I was so glad I did. Fans will enjoy the memorable Billy banter in between sets - like the best serious artists, he's damn funny. Those who have never seen Bragg live will get an excellent taste. A must have for Bragg devotees and anyone interested in one of my obsessions.

More info at the official site - Check it! ManyMP3' s are available at the site.

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What do you think of artifacts new daily format?
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Artifacts News, Notes and Reviews

2006-05-08T12:14:00.000-04:00

Artifacts Film:

On DVD: Breakfast On Pluto
Depending on how many drag/ cross gendered character films you have seen, the trials and tribulations of Patrick "Kitty" Braden may seem exciting, endearing, tragic, or a little familiar. (For this reviewer it begins and ends with Hedwig and the Angry Inch, but that doesn't keep me from watching any and every film with a man in lipstick.) Set against the turbulent late 70's in Ireland and London gives it an edge. The talented Cillian Murphy is stunning as Kitty, lending true empathy to the character. A cast of Irish and English familiar faces including Liam Neeson and Bryan Ferry (!!!) support the film, ably directed by Neil Jordan (The Crying Game), and based on the works of critically adored Irish novelist Pat McCabe. (+ .25 for referencing my favorite - The Muppet Movie in the poster!)
(Artifacts rating 7.25/10)

Artifacts Books:

With all the disturbing hype advertising the film United 93 "A story you MUST see",(don't tell me what I MUST do !) here is a wonderful alternative: Jonathan Safran Foer's novel "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close". The story follows Oskar Schell, a 9 year old boy who lost his father in 9/11. Oscar invents, explores, and works in his own unique child-like fashion to heal from the loss of his father as he unraveles a mystery through the streets of New York City. What Schell discovers is that there is more than a little magic left in the city and in life. The themes of unnatural loss, the journey from innocence to experience, and the meaning of family are explored. A beautiful book this reviewer recommends for everyone. Foer is a gifted, original voice who also wrote Everything Is Illuminated, which became a film starring Elijah Wood and Eugene Hutz.
(Artifacts rating 9 / 10)

Artifacts Tube:
(T.V. sucks except...)
I love Dateline more than 65 year old Grannies do. Show me luminol on hotel walls, or undercover scams in America's jewellery shops and supermarkets, and I am a happy camper. Dateline continues it's fascinating expose "To Catch A Predator" which caught dozens of middle aged pervs who chatted up underage kids online, drove hours to meet them for some underage sex, only to be confronted by Chris Hanson, the most awesome reporter I have ever seen who busts in on one guy eating chips "Would you like some dip with that?" The guys deny any wrongdoing, but are arrested. One loser had the chat name "Meat Rocket # 8" which makes me wonder about Meat Rockets 1-6. (I think #7 lives above me.) Enjoy the rare feature where crimes are prevented instead of victims counted. (Wednesdays at 9:00) *LINK* They are taking no prisoners with this website. See "meet the predators"!

This under 5 foot fella is a repeat offender.

Quote of the Day:

"I wouldn't be attracted to a man who would cheat on his wife. But I've grown too much to be hurt by what people's opinions of my love life is. That doesn't hurt me. I don't read the gossip - although it is never nice when the world feels entitled to an opinion about your family." - Angelina Jolie

No matter what you think of her - and I choose to believe her, you have to admit she makes sense when she speaks. She shows the whole celebrity complex for what it is - really silly. She scares people because she really is pretty original and fearless.

Today's Artifact:

Augusten Burroughs

Self-made man and Memoirist of Running with Scissors, Dry, Magical Thinking, and Possible Side Effects (out May 2). To read Running with Scissors is to care for Augusten as one would a lifelong friend, really wanting him to be ok. Painfully honest, and mining humour from experiences that would make others voluntarily commit themselves, Burroughs is not only a survivor but an original andvery funny writing voice. Nearly impossible to imagine a film of Running With Scissors could be made, however the preview reassures. (Film is currently in production with Gwyneth Paltrow and Brian Cox.)

*Burroughs' official site: *

Music Notes:

Metric is a strong new voice in music, offering what to me is a new phenomenon in the age of marketing over substance: Their other stuff surpasses their singles (at least- is quite different from what the powers that be have chosen for radio play). That said, the single Dead Disco is a new-retro classic and not to be missed. MP3s and videos are available at the band's offical site.

My favorites include Soft Rock Star and Combat Baby. This band has emerged as an instant classic for me, right up there with all my beloveds.

Sample lyrics:

Empty - "Ask the line on your face what the line on your hand meant / We couldn't see what was coming"

Combat Baby - "Combat baby come back baby / Fight off the lethargy / Don't go quietly"

LINK: Metric's official site - Check it!

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What do you think of artifacts new daily format?
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Note: Thank you to Steph and Gary for your knowledge and love of books and your many great book recommendations. Gary, to discuss books and learn that we love the same books is to know each other much better, something I always longed to do.

Happy belated birthday, Gary! In honour of your special day, and putting up with the 3 hens for the day: LINK ....No, I didn't make that, (aren't you relieved?) but someone went to a lot of trouble!

Separated At Birth

2006-05-07T00:30:00.000-04:00

It's been said before, elsewhere, but in case you hadn't noticed:
I didn't say he looked more alive. That wasn't me.

Posh Beckham and E.T. the Extraterrestrial

In that search, I found this rather odd, intimate, sexual-ish picture these two don't want you to see:

ET Becks on the catwalk and interplanetary puppet man love

Which reminded me of this photo shoot but I couldn't find the right pose:

Kris Kristofferson is clearly a brilliant actor.

Somehow it brought me to this...

I will leave it to you to decide which is more icky.
(note: while grown-up J would like to think that Lennon was making an important statement about the objectification of women, inner child J is still completely grossed out by this picture.)

Previous separated at births: Jennifer Aniston

Good Luck to You!

2006-05-06T20:15:00.000-04:00

I went today the old fashioned (read: loser) way to try to get Radiohead tickets for their upcoming tour. At the location I chose, there was me, about 8 other fans and a handful of marginals who make a living standing in line for scalpers to fund their marginal little lives and habits. Had I been able to confront them, I am sure even under duress they could not have named one Radiohead song, ironically not even the marginal international anthem = Creep, which is too bad for them. I failed in my mission. After about 10 minutes of the tickets being on sale we were informed there were no single seats left, no seats at all for the two Toronto shows.
The few that were allowed in to buy, one at a time, were asked to bring cash only..hmmmm....

While waiting, I was chatting with a guy in line about other concerts and formed a 5 minute yet satisfying friendship. At this time a pigeon gave me the ultimate insult, and shat on me. This went all over my shoulder. Well, I could have died. I felt as humilated as a Victorian bride with her ankle showing. My line friend said it was good luck. Later, my friend Leila also insisted it was good luck. The only luck I percieved was that I could take off my shitty sweater because I had a t-shirt on.

In other related news I am glad I survived. I had a fear that the store which houses the only TicketRaper outlet for 20 miles was going to be the setting of my long feared "Bring out the gimp" moment from Pulp Fiction. This fear originated with the randomness of the location and the fact that it was in a basement, and aided by the image below that is prominently featured on their website.

This image would not be worthy of an eyelash bat if it was posted on a gay oriented site. But it's a strange Greek music store with
<----- mostly old oompa loompas featured..
Guess the local Greek community is more ok with that whole manlove history than I thought they were.

A big ppppffffffhttttt to TicketRaper, Marginals, Scalpers, the modern age of credit cards and pigeons. And to the store cryptically called "Greek Music Store" I'm watching you. There is something sketchy if not gimpy going on in that basement.

To blot it all out I am going to get this fabulous extreme barbie makeover:

For those of you who have much birdshit on your shoulders = (better luck), Jason at The Two Scoops has the scoop on Radiohead dates:HERE
Radiohead has a terrific official site: HERE

note: I knew it, my instincts are never wrong. Like Oprah says, ladies trust that inner voice.
Look what "Greek Music Store" sells at their official site: Kinky masks!
I cannot make this shit up. This is called the "Tom Cruise" and sells for $599.

This scary stuff of nightmares should be called
The Avril Lavigne. Is it supposed to be dirty like that?
I am so freaked out.

Whoa!

2006-05-06T00:40:00.000-04:00

Tiny Sofa Superman Tom may not be a lot of things, but he is definitely white!
(Jay Manuel from Americas Next Top Model taught me that it's perfectly acceptable to assume/state, in 2006, that black people should be natural dancers and white people should suck. So while it feels wrong, trusting Jay has to be right, right?)

PS Ving Rhames is not laughing with you, Tommy. It looks like he is trying to shake some pee pee off his wee wee. Can he sue me for that? ALLEGED wee wee.
(hoping my dad doesn't read this over the weekend. Ok Dad, you know I am weird.)

Until I can realize my dream of learning how to make my own animated gifs from stills, this will have to suffice.

Tiny is such a freak in this clip it almost makes me like him. No- must-fight-cult-dance......

Have a great weekend all!

Source:Pink Is The New Blog, also well covered by our pal Will at N&U Records. That song sounds like shit, too.